Many of you who know me personally are well aware of my usual lack of ambition. I often start things and rarely finish them. Another well known fact is that I am often jealous of others. Jealousy can be a horrible thing and can destroy ones life. However, there are many things in my life that I would have never accomplished had it not been for pure jealousy.
My story begins when my younger brother graduated high school. That it itself made me incredibly jealous, as I was still just a high school drop out, barely surviving on my own. Yet, it wasn't enough jealousy to lead me in the right direction. A few weeks into the summer after his graduation, his acceptance letters and welcome packages from his chosen university began to flood our mailbox. I would spend hours just looking over all of the information -- courses, dorms, activities, social groups -- and I can still remember the feeling that came over me. I had never felt so jealous. I almost resented him at the time, for doing so well, and making it to university. Then, that feeling of resentment toward him, quickly turned to hating myself for the situation I was in. Here I was, 21 years old, working for minimum wage and getting eviction notices nearly every month. I had barely a 10th grade education.
Well, thanks to my extreme jealousy, I decided that I wasn't going to let Nyall get all the glory and make something of himself, while I just sat around doing nothing. So, later in the summer I applied to do upgrading at a local college. I attended there for a year and got some credits, I then took a massive leap of faith and applied to university. To my dismay, I got in. I won't get into my first year there, as I have talked about it numerous times already. I really enjoyed my time there, making new friends, getting good marks -- it was all surreal. I couldn't believe that I, the girl who dropped out of high school and barely even passed 10th grade, was getting good marks in university. But, it was happening. I was living with Nyall and had a really amazing year. It enabled me to discover what I have a passion for, and it also enabled me to become much closer with my brother -- which is something we never were.
I did go back for second year, however, I got majorly preoccupied with my new 'beau' Ian. I eventually quit and started working full time. Nevertheless, the time I spent at UPEI allowed me to realize that I loved to write. (Well, I have always loved writing, but I really got to shine while at UPEI and it made me realize I not only loved it, but I was good at it!) I then decided to take Journalism in order to pursue a career doing something I loved. I started this past September, but sadly, due to financial and health issues, I was forced to leave just before Christmas. I honestly felt like I wasn't going to go back. Giving up, yet again. But, jealously kicked my ass into gear yet again.
This time, it was Ashley. Ashley has been my best friend for a lot of years. We quit school together, took our GED's together, and ventured out into the real world together...all with no education. Recently, Ashley decided to apply to UPEI and she got accepted. I was so jealous that I, once again, made a mistake, and she was going to attend and I wasn't. Also, this week, my fellow J-School students, started their internships all across the country. I want nothing more than to be in a real newsroom, chasing stories and getting published. This was all enough to put me back on the right track. I am set to start school again in September and I can't wait. I am hoping that finances will work out so I can remain in school. I am excited to finish and follow my dream of being a reporter/publicist.
Jealousy is so often considered nothing but a bad thing. That couldn't be more wrong. My life was shit, and I was jealous of those who's lives weren't shit, so that got my ass in gear to change my life. Jealousy....saved me.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
It's time that they know
I have had my fair share of obstacles in my life, but I have gotten through each and every one. Each obstacle makes me a little stronger in the end. Yes, it sucks at the time, but there is always a way to make it through. I want to use this entry to make it clear how much I recognize and appreciate certain people in my life for helping me through all of these things.
My parents. Just like most parents, they do not receive the recognition that they deserve, and more often than not, even I fail at treating them the way deserve. My parents have always been there for me, they help me whenever they can. I can clearly remember how disrespectful toward them in my younger years, sometimes I feel physically ill when I think back to some of things I've said and done. I used to bitch about my "lame ass mother making me be home at 10pm" or "god my mother sucks, she won't let me use the car today." Now, at 24 years old, I realize that those things were for my benefit. I remember being so jealous that a lot of people I knew didn't have a curfew and were allowed to do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. I hated that I had a curfew and because of that, I often disobeyed it. I would come home past curfew and have a screaming match with my mother, totally feeling justified in being mad at her. I cannot believe that is how my mind worked at the time. When I look back I realize how messed up all those curfewless people were. Dabbling in drugs, drinking, and other dangerous activities. I realize now that the reason I had a curfew was because my mother cared about me. When I see teenagers out at 2am around town, drunk or high, the first thing I think of is "Where are their parents, they must not give a shit about their kids." Any parent who loves their children and wants the best for them, will enforce a curfew. Any parent who allows their kids to be out until all hours of the night, obviously don't give much of a crap.
There is one moment during those years that still sticks out in my mind. I, once again, failed to meet curfew. The night before, Brian (my step-dad) warned me that if I disobeyed my mother again that he would be changing the locks on the door and I could find a new place to live. Keep in mind that I was 16 at the time, this may seem like a harsh punishment but I was a high school drop-out that was making nothing of myself. Anyway, I believe my curfew was 10:00pm and I showed up between 10:30 and 11:00. When I pulled into the drive-way, there was Brian, literally changing the locks. I freaked out. I got out of the car and begged him to let me in. After some time he finally agreed to let me in. After that moment, I was never late for curfew again. If I wanted an extension I called at least 2 hours before curfew to ask permission. To my surprise, by showing that kind of respect more often than not, Mom allowed me to have an extension. At the time, I never would have thought that giving respect would earn me more privileges.
I can clearly remember getting into full out screaming matches with Brian. He would not allow me to talk poorly to my mother and if I did, it turned into a screaming match. Again, at the time, I "hated" him for disciplining me. However, now, I thank god that he did. God only knows where I would have ended up if it weren't for him. My mother did not have the ability to discipline me because she had given up on me. Which is completely understandable because I did in fact treat her poorly. So, Brian stepped up and whipped me into shape. Sure, I still wasn't perfect, but I improved greatly.
I feel so sick and sad when I think back to some of the things I have said and done to my mother. I never thought she was justified in her feelings when really she was completely justified. I think I might have told my mom the truth only a handful of times as a teenager, which is unfortunate because trust is something that takes a long time to earn back, and to this day, I don't think she fully trusts me. We still fight now, but what mother-daughter combo doesn't? However, I think that I treat her far better than I did as a teenager. I really hope that she knows how much of an awesome mother she is.
She would play hallway hockey with my brother for hours on end, build us a rink in the back yard every winter, she always made sure we had what we needed and always did everything in her power for us to have what we wanted. I used to think I had it bad, but really, I had it pretty damn good. I almost always got what was in style, in failed attempts to make me popular. She worked her ass off to ensure that we were satisfied and had what we wanted, even though, really, she couldn't afford it. And for all of those things, I appreciate her. There are tons more things she did for myself and my brother, but if I were to name them all, this entry would never end. I just really hope she understands just how grateful I am for having her as my mother.
Now, my father. Me and Dad never had much of a relationship, for some reason we just never saw eye-to-eye. My parents got divorced when I was 14 I believe and I lived with Mom. Despite that, I still do have fond memories of my father. Yeah, there are some bad memories, but I have gotten over that. I remember Dad sitting in a steam filled bathroom with me or getting me dressed in my winter clothes and walking me up and down the street in the middle of the night, all in attempts to stop my asthma attacks. I can remember the four of us riding our bikes on the trails, ALL the way up west and Nyall's little legs peddling so fast. The poor thing was too big for his little bike, so when we got up west, Mom and Dad bought him a new bike to ride home.
If it wasn't for Dad I wouldn't have ever gotten my license. Neither of my parents could afford the $700 for drivers ed. But, being a pig headed teenager, I attended the drivers ed class without even telling them. Them I showed up at home and informed them that I needed that money right away and couldn't understand why they couldn't just hand it over. So, my father did some musical work for my instructor in exchange for my drivers ed fees. If it weren't for that, I never could have taken it.
There was one night that Ashley and I were driving (in the middle of a blizzard) and we saw this cat run across the road. We stopped the car and called it over. We felt bad because this cute little thing was stuck outside during a horrible blizzard. The cat answered our calls and proceeded to hide underneath my car, right by the tire. Ashley then got on her belly and tried to get the cat out, all the while, there is a massive snow plow headed straight for us, and it is likely that the driver can't even see us due to the blowing snow. Finally we got the cat and drove off. We named him Beau. He was adorable. Ashley couldn't keep him because her parents wouldn't allow her to have another cat, and I couldn't keep him because my cat Quincy hated other cats. So, after some convincing, my Dad took Beau. He couldn't afford it, but he did it anyway because he knew I couldn't handle giving him away, especially to the SPCA.
I realize that the part about my Dad is a decent amount shorter than that about my Mom. The reason for that is because I didn't live with him for most of my teenage years so I had less one on one time with him. Which, was probably a good thing, considering the type of teenager I was. However, I am still really grateful that I have him as my father. We still don't always get along, but I think we've both accepted that that will never change. But, whenever I need help financially or otherwise, he always helps me if he has the means to do so. I know he is always there for me when I need him and that is a good feeling.
So, there you have it. My parents. I am lucky to have 4 amazing parents. The reason I failed the mention my step-mother is simply because I honestly hardly know her. I would like to know her better, hopefully I can someday,
-Drea
My parents. Just like most parents, they do not receive the recognition that they deserve, and more often than not, even I fail at treating them the way deserve. My parents have always been there for me, they help me whenever they can. I can clearly remember how disrespectful toward them in my younger years, sometimes I feel physically ill when I think back to some of things I've said and done. I used to bitch about my "lame ass mother making me be home at 10pm" or "god my mother sucks, she won't let me use the car today." Now, at 24 years old, I realize that those things were for my benefit. I remember being so jealous that a lot of people I knew didn't have a curfew and were allowed to do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. I hated that I had a curfew and because of that, I often disobeyed it. I would come home past curfew and have a screaming match with my mother, totally feeling justified in being mad at her. I cannot believe that is how my mind worked at the time. When I look back I realize how messed up all those curfewless people were. Dabbling in drugs, drinking, and other dangerous activities. I realize now that the reason I had a curfew was because my mother cared about me. When I see teenagers out at 2am around town, drunk or high, the first thing I think of is "Where are their parents, they must not give a shit about their kids." Any parent who loves their children and wants the best for them, will enforce a curfew. Any parent who allows their kids to be out until all hours of the night, obviously don't give much of a crap.
There is one moment during those years that still sticks out in my mind. I, once again, failed to meet curfew. The night before, Brian (my step-dad) warned me that if I disobeyed my mother again that he would be changing the locks on the door and I could find a new place to live. Keep in mind that I was 16 at the time, this may seem like a harsh punishment but I was a high school drop-out that was making nothing of myself. Anyway, I believe my curfew was 10:00pm and I showed up between 10:30 and 11:00. When I pulled into the drive-way, there was Brian, literally changing the locks. I freaked out. I got out of the car and begged him to let me in. After some time he finally agreed to let me in. After that moment, I was never late for curfew again. If I wanted an extension I called at least 2 hours before curfew to ask permission. To my surprise, by showing that kind of respect more often than not, Mom allowed me to have an extension. At the time, I never would have thought that giving respect would earn me more privileges.
I can clearly remember getting into full out screaming matches with Brian. He would not allow me to talk poorly to my mother and if I did, it turned into a screaming match. Again, at the time, I "hated" him for disciplining me. However, now, I thank god that he did. God only knows where I would have ended up if it weren't for him. My mother did not have the ability to discipline me because she had given up on me. Which is completely understandable because I did in fact treat her poorly. So, Brian stepped up and whipped me into shape. Sure, I still wasn't perfect, but I improved greatly.
I feel so sick and sad when I think back to some of the things I have said and done to my mother. I never thought she was justified in her feelings when really she was completely justified. I think I might have told my mom the truth only a handful of times as a teenager, which is unfortunate because trust is something that takes a long time to earn back, and to this day, I don't think she fully trusts me. We still fight now, but what mother-daughter combo doesn't? However, I think that I treat her far better than I did as a teenager. I really hope that she knows how much of an awesome mother she is.
She would play hallway hockey with my brother for hours on end, build us a rink in the back yard every winter, she always made sure we had what we needed and always did everything in her power for us to have what we wanted. I used to think I had it bad, but really, I had it pretty damn good. I almost always got what was in style, in failed attempts to make me popular. She worked her ass off to ensure that we were satisfied and had what we wanted, even though, really, she couldn't afford it. And for all of those things, I appreciate her. There are tons more things she did for myself and my brother, but if I were to name them all, this entry would never end. I just really hope she understands just how grateful I am for having her as my mother.
Now, my father. Me and Dad never had much of a relationship, for some reason we just never saw eye-to-eye. My parents got divorced when I was 14 I believe and I lived with Mom. Despite that, I still do have fond memories of my father. Yeah, there are some bad memories, but I have gotten over that. I remember Dad sitting in a steam filled bathroom with me or getting me dressed in my winter clothes and walking me up and down the street in the middle of the night, all in attempts to stop my asthma attacks. I can remember the four of us riding our bikes on the trails, ALL the way up west and Nyall's little legs peddling so fast. The poor thing was too big for his little bike, so when we got up west, Mom and Dad bought him a new bike to ride home.
If it wasn't for Dad I wouldn't have ever gotten my license. Neither of my parents could afford the $700 for drivers ed. But, being a pig headed teenager, I attended the drivers ed class without even telling them. Them I showed up at home and informed them that I needed that money right away and couldn't understand why they couldn't just hand it over. So, my father did some musical work for my instructor in exchange for my drivers ed fees. If it weren't for that, I never could have taken it.
There was one night that Ashley and I were driving (in the middle of a blizzard) and we saw this cat run across the road. We stopped the car and called it over. We felt bad because this cute little thing was stuck outside during a horrible blizzard. The cat answered our calls and proceeded to hide underneath my car, right by the tire. Ashley then got on her belly and tried to get the cat out, all the while, there is a massive snow plow headed straight for us, and it is likely that the driver can't even see us due to the blowing snow. Finally we got the cat and drove off. We named him Beau. He was adorable. Ashley couldn't keep him because her parents wouldn't allow her to have another cat, and I couldn't keep him because my cat Quincy hated other cats. So, after some convincing, my Dad took Beau. He couldn't afford it, but he did it anyway because he knew I couldn't handle giving him away, especially to the SPCA.
I realize that the part about my Dad is a decent amount shorter than that about my Mom. The reason for that is because I didn't live with him for most of my teenage years so I had less one on one time with him. Which, was probably a good thing, considering the type of teenager I was. However, I am still really grateful that I have him as my father. We still don't always get along, but I think we've both accepted that that will never change. But, whenever I need help financially or otherwise, he always helps me if he has the means to do so. I know he is always there for me when I need him and that is a good feeling.
So, there you have it. My parents. I am lucky to have 4 amazing parents. The reason I failed the mention my step-mother is simply because I honestly hardly know her. I would like to know her better, hopefully I can someday,
-Drea
Monday, March 5, 2012
Have you ever?
A 90's pop singing sensation said it best. Brandy's song "Have you ever" has always been a song I held close to my heart. It says "have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry..." I remember listening to that song over and over again. I would bawl my eyes out while singing along. Why was I crying? I really felt I would never find anyone who I could love that much, or someone who would love me that much. I've always had such a horrible self image. I hated myself and the way I looked, being overweight made me feel this way. All throughout school, every boy I ever crushed on, would just make fun of me. At school dances, I was the lonely fat girl sitting at the back, hoping, and praying that a boy would finally ask me to dance.
As stated in my previous post, a week before starting my second year of university, I met Ian. I remember our first date. I looked at him for the first time and I instantly felt butterflies. I couldn't remember ever feeling this nervous. We went to a local pub for a drink and appetizers. I was usually a pretty shy person (when meeting new people), but Ian was adorably shy and quiet. I remember rambling on about whatever I could think of -- most of which was likely nonsense. And he just sat there, listening and looking at me in the eyes. He was such a trooper, listening to my ramblings. I wanted the night to continue, but he had to work the next day, so around 11pm, we parted ways.
I remember in 8th grade, I was at a school dance and this boy I had a complete crush on came over and asked me to dance. I initially said no, because at that age, kids were so mean I figured it was just a joke and that once I said yes, he would walk away laughing. After some persuading, I finally agreed. I will never forget that night. He danced with me for the entire song (which happened to be one of my favorites at the time, thank you Savage Garden). That was it. That was the first and last time I was asked to dance. Naturally, I felt as though I was toxic to all men. Figured that no one would ever be able to love me.
I went through the next few years of school before dropping out. After I left high school I had no more self confidence as that night in junior high. I won't bother writing about the years that followed as they have been clearly outlined in previous posts. However, when I was 18 I met someone. It didn't take long before I thought I was in love. We moved in together and were together for 4 long years. The entire time I was emotionally abused but I always made excuses for him and defended him when friends and family would tell me to leave. Deep down I wanted to leave, but on the surface, all I could think of was that I would never find another boyfriend. When I was 21 I finally got the courage to leave. It was at that point that I started my university career.
A few days later, we went on our second date. He took me to the beach at midnight. I had mentioned weeks earlier that I had never gone to the beach at night, but that I had thought it would be really nice. We sat on the beach, looked at the stars. I was rambling again (which I had to do because he was so quiet, and I hate silence, but his shyness was so cute). We had an amazing night on the beach, but two hours later it started to rain, so again...we parted ways. Only this time, it was different. I wasn't even out of Charlottetown when I got a text from him that said "I haven't been able to stop smiling since you left." I was in the same boat. My entire drive back to Summerside, I was smiling, I couldn't help it.
Lets flash forward a little. We are happily living together and I couldn't be happier. No matter what negative things happen, I always have Ian to make me smile. I always knew that no matter what happened, we'd have each other. Ian has such an amazing soul. He supports me in everything I do, He makes me feel beautiful, each and every day. First thing in the morning, when I look my worst, I am still beautiful in his eyes, and he lets me know it. He is my everything. I truly have no idea what I did in this life or a past life to deserve him, but I am so happy he is in my life. I am so much in love, a love I have never felt before.
On June 18th 2011 (my 24th birthday) my dreams came true when he asked me to marry him and gave me the most gorgeous ring. I had never felt such happiness. We are still going strong and I love him more with each passing day. We shockingly have never had a fight, and doubt we ever will as our communication is perfect. He treats me like gold and makes sure to let me know how much I mean to him. I cannot wait for the day that he becomes my husband. Ian, if you are reading this, I love you. More than words can explain. You're my rock. Don't ever change, you're perfect the way you are and I will always love you and every ounce of your being.
Now to the point of this post. The point of this is to give some people some hope. I am still overweight and I have found a man who loves me for me. For years I really thought it would never happen. I would spend nights crying because I knew I would never experience the love of a man, or have someone to cuddle with at night. I used to become obsessed with any guy who showed the slightest bit of interest, because I figured it might be the best I could do and would never get another chance. If you find yourself feeling that way, please know that someday, it will happen for you. Not all men are shallow and inconsiderate. There are genuinely amazing men out there who will love you for who you are, not what you look like. Love really is in the eye of the beholder. Hold your head high, show confidence, and don't be afraid to show your true colors. If someone hurts you, brush it off, because anyone who hurts you in any way, is not worth it. I once heard a quote that changed my life (relationship wise). It said "No man is ever worth your tears, and the one who is, will never make you cry" That couldn't be more true. Sure, I have cried because of Ian, but never for anything negative. I have cried because I missed him, I have even cried when I think about how much I love him. Of course, I cried when he proposed and I cried on Valentines Day when he gave me a meaningful gift. But he is worth all those tears, and all of those tears, were tears of joy. If a man makes you cry anything but tears of joy, he isn't worth it. There is someone else out there who will cherish you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
-Drea
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Never give in!
Wow, it has been far too long since I have made a post. In my defense I have been doing a lot of self-healing and been away from the computer most of the time. However, I am back and better than ever!
Today I am going to be talking about something that has tormented me my entire life. I know plenty of other people, both friends and family, who have struggled with it their entire lives. Luckily, I have gotten away from it -- YES, I am struggling, but in the end, it will be worth it.
So what am I talking about? Addiction? No. I am talking about pressure! For as long as I can remember I was faced with pressure from everyone around me to be a certain way, act a certain way, live a certain way. As a teenager and young(er) adult, I did tend to ignore this pressure and do what I wanted. Which is great!! However, I was missing one big piece of the puzzle, my own plan. Since I was 18 I have basically been living on my own. I worked in dead end jobs and couldn't pay my bills, but somehow, with the help of family, I survived. It was wonderful -- so I thought -- to be "on my own" and living according to my own "plan". That "plan" was to just live day by day doing whatever I needed to in order to barely make it through and spend the rest of my time doing whatever I wanted. At 18, that seemed so glamorous compared to living at home, with rules, curfews and nagging parents.
The biggest problem with the entire scenario, was that I had zero long term plans. I often talked about someday finishing school and getting a degree...talked about becoming a doctor or a nurse. Making myself believe I could actually do these things, when deep down, I knew I couldn't. Months would go by, and I would listen to my parents and friends lecture me about how my life is leading no where and I will be nothing more than what I currently was if I didn't do something. At the time, this went in one ear and out the other. I retained nothing -- why? -- because I didn't want to. To me, they were just preaching like they always had -- that IS what parents do afterall.
Flash forward to age 21. I am living in a basement, one bedroom apartment. It is in a constant state of disgusting. A massive mess at all times. I wasn't working, paying rent from EI, spending my days playing computer games and eating cans of beans because I had nothing else. I'd buy cigarettes before food, and buy game time instead of paying for my cable. My priorities were completely out of whack. Then, one day, something clicked! I have no idea what it was, but myself and Ashley decided we were going to take our GED exam -- without studying -- and hope for the best. We figured that if we at least had our GED, we would be able to make something....anything of ourselves. Thankfully, I passed...barely. I passed by one mark. I decided to ignore the advice of everyone around me and venture out into the world and try to land that "amazing job" I figured I deserved because I had my GED. I don't think I could have been more wrong. Instead, I started a job as a Marketing and Advertising Manager -- which seemed to be way to good to be true -- and I was right. After my first shift, I ended up being molested and it turned into a court case lasting all summer. That was my last straw. I made a conscience decision to not let this situation ruin my life (as it often can). I decided to completely forget the entire incident and move on with my life.
At that point I decided that I needed more education to make it anywhere in life. Also, I had finally decided I wanted to make it in this world, on my own. However, I also thought that if I a little more education, I'd nail the high paying job and live a life of happiness and luxury. Easy right? Not so much. I attended Holland College in order to upgrade some of my credits. As you have likely figured out, I dropped out of high school (3 times) and barely had a grade 9 education. Nevertheless, I took on high school academic credits. I initially had planned to get all of my credits in order to have a complete academic high school diploma. I found out that with a little effort, I was actually good at something -- which I never thought before. I realized that I had a huge passion for writing, and surprisingly, I was good at it. I completed my English, Canadian History, and Advanced Political Studies credits in 7 months. My final grade in all courses was not lower than a 92%.
I was ecstatic. I finally felt like I had accomplished something. I had an amazing support system. My instructor, Leanne, was amazing. She believed in me, and she saw the potential I had and she pushed me to do what she knew I could do. There were times that I felt she hated me and was being strict with me for that reason. After a while I realized that she saw talent in me, and she had to be hard on me so I would produce my best possible work. I have never corrected so many commas in my entire life! Needless to say, I tend to be a stickler for comma use now. After realizing that I wasn't a complete idiot, I decided to apply to the University of Prince Edward Island. I really and truly had no thoughts about actually getting in. Take a moment to consider the facts. I had completed only up to 9th grade, got my GED, and had a total of three grade 12 academic credits. The outlook was not good. However, I waited and waited and finally I got that wonderful letter. I got in! I instantly began to cry and ran upstairs to show my mother (who was waiting for me in the driveway). We both cried. All of this time, I thought those around me, preaching to me that I was smart and just needed to put my mind to it, were wrong. I truly thought I had the right idea of what the perfect life should be.
That simple letter gave me the push I needed. The following September I was ready to go! I moved into residence and started my university classes. I quickly discovered that I had a big love for the field of Psychology. First semester, I did really well. I got all but one credit, and got good marks in the other 4. This shocked me as I had such little education, but with the amazing professors, studying, and my passion allowed me to do well. Then, after 22 years of never consuming any of it, I discovered alcohol. I realized that I loved the party scene and Captain Morgan Rum even more. By the middle of second semester, I had barely attended any classes and was partying a minimum of 2 nights a week. Yet, I was loving it! As you have likely read in previous posts, I never had a lot of friends. I was never social, I had such low self esteem that I would just keep to myself. All of a sudden -- thanks to my brother -- I had friends, a lot of friends. Just like me, these friends enjoyed partying. The rest of the year is sort of a blur. It involved a lot of partying, and doing a whole lot of nothing. I passed one class second semester, by a hair. I moved back home for the summer and got a job which I loved. I had turned into this social butterfly and spent all my free time with friends. I worked my ass off, often 60 hours a week, but I loved my co-workers and the job itself. When I was not working, I was out with my new found best friend Jake in my car that I was so proud of!
It was one of the best summers of my life. Sure, Ashley wasn't there, but we had both been forced to move on friend wise as she was a world away. Nearing the end of the summer, I almost decided not to go back to UPEI. Again, I had found something I enjoyed and figured it would be like that forever if I kept at it. Thankfully, with some encouragement from some friends, I decided to go back. I didn't live in the dorm as I didn't want to be in the party scene any more. Literally, one week before school started, I met someone who completely knocked me off my feet, flat on my ass -- in a good way. I met Ian. From our first date, I knew there was something special about him. Just looking at him made me smile, made me feel safe, and made me feel beautiful. He was so quiet and shy, which I found intriguing, as I was now a very social person. I think he may have said 30 words our entire first date, but that was all it took. We went on a few more dates before making our relationship official.
Needless to say, I wanted to spend every free moment with him. He made me happier than I could ever remember being. We quickly fell completely in love and I put school on the back burner in order to surround myself with him. To some, this may seem like a silly move. At the time, I somewhat felt that way myself. I proceeded to drop out for year (with intentions of returning the following year). I was in this wonderful world of love, lust, and fun. He made me feel like a queen -- and still does. I got a job and we moved into a small motel room together.
This seemed like a quick move to most people. However, we became very close, very quick. We simply loved being around each other all the time. Leaving each other at night hurt so bad. He would leave my place in Summerside to go back to town and I would cry. When I went to his place, I would wait for him to fall asleep before sneaking out to head home, usually at 3am. It was a love like I had never felt before, and never thought I would ever feel.
Again, I had people around me preaching that I need to go back to school and finish my degree. At this point, I agreed and did go back. I went back part time and managed to get another 2 credits. And that was it. I decided that school just wasn't for me at this time because I needed to work in order to help us live. To pay my share of rent and other bills I needed a full time job as student loans just didn't cover it. Many thought this was the wrong choice, and honestly, so did I. After some time I began writing on my own time. I had a password protected "diary" online that I would write in. It was then that I realized that I did love Psychology, but I didn't have the passion for it as I did with writing. So, a year later, I entered Holland College as a Journalism student. I loved it! I was so excited to put my passion to work for me. I did extremely well and my teacher even told me that I had a huge amount of natural journalistic talent and that he was amazed at my writing ability. This made me so happy. It was the first time I felt 100% validated. I now knew that I did have a natural ability and that following my passion was the right choice.
Unfortunately, student loan issues and medical problems forced me to yet again, leave school. However, I can promise the world that I will be back in September. During my short time in Journalism school, I managed to get some very high profile interviews, including Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy. I quickly realized that not only was I a good writer, I had the "balls" (excuse my expression) to do what I needed to do, to get the story I wanted to get.
My future plans is to finish J-School with a diploma from Holland College and a degree from UPEI. However, I am hoping to get into show business. No, not as an actress or a singer. As a reporter or publicist. This dream will become a reality.
As seen in previous posts, I am currently going through some tough stuff. However, Ian is by my side, supporting me and helping me get well and we are making it through. I have been doing a lot better lately and it is all thanks to him (and my shrink hehe). I could write a novel on how much love I have for Ian and how amazing he is, but that is for another day.
This entry may seem all over the place, but the point is this: No matter what you preach to someone, it is not likely to work. Every person needs to figure themselves out...on their own. You can preach until you are blue in the face..."Get an education" "Be a doctor" "Do something with your life." It doesn't matter what way you say it, it is useless. One person may be completely happy working at a corner store, making $10 an hour, while others will not be happy until they have a million in the bank. The point is, happiness is what matters. If you are barely making it by, but you are genuinely happy in your situation, then keep on keepin on! If you aren't happy...do something about it. Stop moping, feeling bad for yourself. If I can do it, you can do it. I had a grade 9 education and now I am half way to being a university graduate. Nothing is impossible. Never do what you friends, parents, or spouse tells you should do. Do what YOU want to do. However, in saying that, you also need to ensure that you and your family are properly taken care of.
That is my story. I sincerely hope that it helps even one person to make a life choice that is right for them. As always, thank you for reading! <3
-Drea
Today I am going to be talking about something that has tormented me my entire life. I know plenty of other people, both friends and family, who have struggled with it their entire lives. Luckily, I have gotten away from it -- YES, I am struggling, but in the end, it will be worth it.
So what am I talking about? Addiction? No. I am talking about pressure! For as long as I can remember I was faced with pressure from everyone around me to be a certain way, act a certain way, live a certain way. As a teenager and young(er) adult, I did tend to ignore this pressure and do what I wanted. Which is great!! However, I was missing one big piece of the puzzle, my own plan. Since I was 18 I have basically been living on my own. I worked in dead end jobs and couldn't pay my bills, but somehow, with the help of family, I survived. It was wonderful -- so I thought -- to be "on my own" and living according to my own "plan". That "plan" was to just live day by day doing whatever I needed to in order to barely make it through and spend the rest of my time doing whatever I wanted. At 18, that seemed so glamorous compared to living at home, with rules, curfews and nagging parents.
The biggest problem with the entire scenario, was that I had zero long term plans. I often talked about someday finishing school and getting a degree...talked about becoming a doctor or a nurse. Making myself believe I could actually do these things, when deep down, I knew I couldn't. Months would go by, and I would listen to my parents and friends lecture me about how my life is leading no where and I will be nothing more than what I currently was if I didn't do something. At the time, this went in one ear and out the other. I retained nothing -- why? -- because I didn't want to. To me, they were just preaching like they always had -- that IS what parents do afterall.
Flash forward to age 21. I am living in a basement, one bedroom apartment. It is in a constant state of disgusting. A massive mess at all times. I wasn't working, paying rent from EI, spending my days playing computer games and eating cans of beans because I had nothing else. I'd buy cigarettes before food, and buy game time instead of paying for my cable. My priorities were completely out of whack. Then, one day, something clicked! I have no idea what it was, but myself and Ashley decided we were going to take our GED exam -- without studying -- and hope for the best. We figured that if we at least had our GED, we would be able to make something....anything of ourselves. Thankfully, I passed...barely. I passed by one mark. I decided to ignore the advice of everyone around me and venture out into the world and try to land that "amazing job" I figured I deserved because I had my GED. I don't think I could have been more wrong. Instead, I started a job as a Marketing and Advertising Manager -- which seemed to be way to good to be true -- and I was right. After my first shift, I ended up being molested and it turned into a court case lasting all summer. That was my last straw. I made a conscience decision to not let this situation ruin my life (as it often can). I decided to completely forget the entire incident and move on with my life.
At that point I decided that I needed more education to make it anywhere in life. Also, I had finally decided I wanted to make it in this world, on my own. However, I also thought that if I a little more education, I'd nail the high paying job and live a life of happiness and luxury. Easy right? Not so much. I attended Holland College in order to upgrade some of my credits. As you have likely figured out, I dropped out of high school (3 times) and barely had a grade 9 education. Nevertheless, I took on high school academic credits. I initially had planned to get all of my credits in order to have a complete academic high school diploma. I found out that with a little effort, I was actually good at something -- which I never thought before. I realized that I had a huge passion for writing, and surprisingly, I was good at it. I completed my English, Canadian History, and Advanced Political Studies credits in 7 months. My final grade in all courses was not lower than a 92%.
I was ecstatic. I finally felt like I had accomplished something. I had an amazing support system. My instructor, Leanne, was amazing. She believed in me, and she saw the potential I had and she pushed me to do what she knew I could do. There were times that I felt she hated me and was being strict with me for that reason. After a while I realized that she saw talent in me, and she had to be hard on me so I would produce my best possible work. I have never corrected so many commas in my entire life! Needless to say, I tend to be a stickler for comma use now. After realizing that I wasn't a complete idiot, I decided to apply to the University of Prince Edward Island. I really and truly had no thoughts about actually getting in. Take a moment to consider the facts. I had completed only up to 9th grade, got my GED, and had a total of three grade 12 academic credits. The outlook was not good. However, I waited and waited and finally I got that wonderful letter. I got in! I instantly began to cry and ran upstairs to show my mother (who was waiting for me in the driveway). We both cried. All of this time, I thought those around me, preaching to me that I was smart and just needed to put my mind to it, were wrong. I truly thought I had the right idea of what the perfect life should be.
That simple letter gave me the push I needed. The following September I was ready to go! I moved into residence and started my university classes. I quickly discovered that I had a big love for the field of Psychology. First semester, I did really well. I got all but one credit, and got good marks in the other 4. This shocked me as I had such little education, but with the amazing professors, studying, and my passion allowed me to do well. Then, after 22 years of never consuming any of it, I discovered alcohol. I realized that I loved the party scene and Captain Morgan Rum even more. By the middle of second semester, I had barely attended any classes and was partying a minimum of 2 nights a week. Yet, I was loving it! As you have likely read in previous posts, I never had a lot of friends. I was never social, I had such low self esteem that I would just keep to myself. All of a sudden -- thanks to my brother -- I had friends, a lot of friends. Just like me, these friends enjoyed partying. The rest of the year is sort of a blur. It involved a lot of partying, and doing a whole lot of nothing. I passed one class second semester, by a hair. I moved back home for the summer and got a job which I loved. I had turned into this social butterfly and spent all my free time with friends. I worked my ass off, often 60 hours a week, but I loved my co-workers and the job itself. When I was not working, I was out with my new found best friend Jake in my car that I was so proud of!
It was one of the best summers of my life. Sure, Ashley wasn't there, but we had both been forced to move on friend wise as she was a world away. Nearing the end of the summer, I almost decided not to go back to UPEI. Again, I had found something I enjoyed and figured it would be like that forever if I kept at it. Thankfully, with some encouragement from some friends, I decided to go back. I didn't live in the dorm as I didn't want to be in the party scene any more. Literally, one week before school started, I met someone who completely knocked me off my feet, flat on my ass -- in a good way. I met Ian. From our first date, I knew there was something special about him. Just looking at him made me smile, made me feel safe, and made me feel beautiful. He was so quiet and shy, which I found intriguing, as I was now a very social person. I think he may have said 30 words our entire first date, but that was all it took. We went on a few more dates before making our relationship official.
Needless to say, I wanted to spend every free moment with him. He made me happier than I could ever remember being. We quickly fell completely in love and I put school on the back burner in order to surround myself with him. To some, this may seem like a silly move. At the time, I somewhat felt that way myself. I proceeded to drop out for year (with intentions of returning the following year). I was in this wonderful world of love, lust, and fun. He made me feel like a queen -- and still does. I got a job and we moved into a small motel room together.
This seemed like a quick move to most people. However, we became very close, very quick. We simply loved being around each other all the time. Leaving each other at night hurt so bad. He would leave my place in Summerside to go back to town and I would cry. When I went to his place, I would wait for him to fall asleep before sneaking out to head home, usually at 3am. It was a love like I had never felt before, and never thought I would ever feel.
Again, I had people around me preaching that I need to go back to school and finish my degree. At this point, I agreed and did go back. I went back part time and managed to get another 2 credits. And that was it. I decided that school just wasn't for me at this time because I needed to work in order to help us live. To pay my share of rent and other bills I needed a full time job as student loans just didn't cover it. Many thought this was the wrong choice, and honestly, so did I. After some time I began writing on my own time. I had a password protected "diary" online that I would write in. It was then that I realized that I did love Psychology, but I didn't have the passion for it as I did with writing. So, a year later, I entered Holland College as a Journalism student. I loved it! I was so excited to put my passion to work for me. I did extremely well and my teacher even told me that I had a huge amount of natural journalistic talent and that he was amazed at my writing ability. This made me so happy. It was the first time I felt 100% validated. I now knew that I did have a natural ability and that following my passion was the right choice.
Unfortunately, student loan issues and medical problems forced me to yet again, leave school. However, I can promise the world that I will be back in September. During my short time in Journalism school, I managed to get some very high profile interviews, including Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy. I quickly realized that not only was I a good writer, I had the "balls" (excuse my expression) to do what I needed to do, to get the story I wanted to get.
My future plans is to finish J-School with a diploma from Holland College and a degree from UPEI. However, I am hoping to get into show business. No, not as an actress or a singer. As a reporter or publicist. This dream will become a reality.
As seen in previous posts, I am currently going through some tough stuff. However, Ian is by my side, supporting me and helping me get well and we are making it through. I have been doing a lot better lately and it is all thanks to him (and my shrink hehe). I could write a novel on how much love I have for Ian and how amazing he is, but that is for another day.
This entry may seem all over the place, but the point is this: No matter what you preach to someone, it is not likely to work. Every person needs to figure themselves out...on their own. You can preach until you are blue in the face..."Get an education" "Be a doctor" "Do something with your life." It doesn't matter what way you say it, it is useless. One person may be completely happy working at a corner store, making $10 an hour, while others will not be happy until they have a million in the bank. The point is, happiness is what matters. If you are barely making it by, but you are genuinely happy in your situation, then keep on keepin on! If you aren't happy...do something about it. Stop moping, feeling bad for yourself. If I can do it, you can do it. I had a grade 9 education and now I am half way to being a university graduate. Nothing is impossible. Never do what you friends, parents, or spouse tells you should do. Do what YOU want to do. However, in saying that, you also need to ensure that you and your family are properly taken care of.
That is my story. I sincerely hope that it helps even one person to make a life choice that is right for them. As always, thank you for reading! <3
-Drea
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