Never give in!

Wow, it has been far too long since I have made a post.  In my defense I have been doing a lot of self-healing and been away from the computer most of the time.  However, I am back and better than ever!  


Today I am going to be talking about something that has tormented me my entire life.  I know plenty of other people, both friends and family, who have struggled with it their entire lives.  Luckily, I have gotten away from it -- YES, I am struggling, but in the end, it will be worth it.


So what am I talking about?  Addiction?  No.  I am talking about pressure!  For as long as I can remember I was faced with pressure from everyone around me to be a certain way, act a certain way, live a certain way.  As a teenager and young(er) adult, I did tend to ignore this pressure and do what I wanted.  Which is great!!  However, I was missing one big piece of the puzzle, my own plan.  Since I was 18 I have basically been living on my own.  I worked in dead end jobs and couldn't pay my bills, but somehow, with the help of family, I survived.  It was wonderful -- so I thought -- to be "on my own" and living according to my own "plan".  That "plan" was to just live day by day doing whatever I needed to in order to barely make it through and spend the rest of my time doing whatever I wanted.  At 18, that seemed so glamorous compared to living at home, with rules, curfews and nagging parents.  


The biggest problem with the entire scenario, was that I had zero long term plans.  I often talked about someday finishing school and getting a degree...talked about becoming a doctor or a nurse.  Making myself believe I could actually do these things, when deep down, I knew I couldn't.  Months would go by, and I would listen to my parents and friends lecture me about how my life is leading no where and I will be nothing more than what I currently was if I didn't do something.  At the time, this went in one ear and out the other.  I retained nothing -- why? --  because I didn't want to.  To me, they were just preaching like they always had -- that IS what parents do afterall.  


Flash forward to age 21.  I am living in a basement, one bedroom apartment.  It is in a constant state of disgusting.  A massive mess at all times.  I wasn't working, paying rent from EI, spending my days playing computer games and eating cans of beans because I had nothing else.  I'd buy cigarettes before food, and buy game time instead of paying for my cable.  My priorities were completely out of whack.  Then, one day, something clicked!  I have no idea what it was, but myself and Ashley decided we were going to take our GED exam -- without studying -- and hope for the best.  We figured that if we at least had our GED, we would be able to make something....anything of ourselves.  Thankfully, I passed...barely.  I passed by one mark.  I decided to ignore the advice of everyone around me and venture out into the world and try to land that "amazing job" I figured I deserved because I had my GED.  I don't think I could have been more wrong.  Instead, I started a job as a Marketing and Advertising Manager -- which seemed to be way to good to be true -- and I was right.  After my first shift, I ended up being molested and it turned into a court case lasting all summer.  That was my last straw.  I made a conscience decision to not let this situation ruin my life (as it often can).  I decided to completely forget the entire incident and move on with my life.  


At that point I decided that I needed more education to make it anywhere in life.  Also, I had finally decided I wanted to make it in this world, on my own.  However, I also thought that if I a little more education, I'd nail the high paying job and live a life of happiness and luxury.  Easy right?  Not so much.  I attended Holland College in order to upgrade some of my credits.  As you have likely figured out, I dropped out of high school (3 times) and barely had a grade 9 education.  Nevertheless, I took on high school academic credits.  I initially had planned to get all of my credits in order to have a complete academic high school diploma.  I found out that with a little effort, I was actually good at something -- which I never thought before.  I realized that I had a huge passion for writing, and surprisingly, I was good at it.  I completed my English, Canadian History, and Advanced Political Studies credits in 7 months.  My final grade in all courses was not lower than a 92%.  


I was ecstatic.  I finally felt like I had accomplished something.  I had an amazing support system.  My instructor, Leanne, was amazing.  She believed in me, and she saw the potential I had and she pushed me to do what she knew I could do.  There were times that I felt she hated me and was being strict with me for that reason.  After a while I realized that she saw talent in me, and she had to be hard on me so I would produce my best possible work.  I have never corrected so many commas in my entire life!  Needless to say, I tend to be a stickler for comma use now.  After realizing that I wasn't a complete idiot, I decided to apply to the University of Prince Edward Island.  I really and truly had no thoughts about actually getting in.  Take a moment to consider the facts.  I had completed only up to 9th grade, got my GED, and had a total of three grade 12 academic credits.  The outlook was not good.  However, I waited and waited and finally I got that wonderful letter.  I got in!  I instantly began to cry and ran upstairs to show my mother (who was waiting for me in the driveway).  We both cried.  All of this time, I thought those around me, preaching to me that I was smart and just needed to put my mind to it, were wrong.  I truly thought I had the right idea of what the perfect life should be.  


That simple letter gave me the push I needed.  The following September I was ready to go!  I moved into residence and started my university classes.  I quickly discovered that I had a big love for the field of Psychology.  First semester, I did really well.  I got all but one credit, and got good marks in the other 4.  This shocked me as I had such little education, but with the amazing professors, studying, and my passion allowed me to do well.  Then, after 22 years of never consuming any of it, I discovered alcohol.  I realized that I loved the party scene and Captain Morgan Rum even more.  By the middle of second semester, I had barely attended any classes and was partying a minimum of 2 nights a week.  Yet, I was loving it!  As you have likely read in previous posts, I never had a lot of friends.  I was never social, I had such low self esteem that I would just keep to myself.  All of a sudden -- thanks to my brother -- I had friends, a lot of friends.  Just like me, these friends enjoyed partying.  The rest of the year is sort of a blur.  It involved a lot of partying, and doing a whole lot of nothing.  I passed one class second semester, by a hair.  I moved back home for the summer and got a job which I loved.  I had turned into this social butterfly and spent all my free time with friends.  I worked my ass off, often 60 hours a week, but I loved my co-workers and the job itself.  When I was not working, I was out with my new found best friend Jake in my car that I was so proud of!  


It was one of the best summers of my life.  Sure, Ashley wasn't there, but we had both been forced to move on friend wise as she was a world away.  Nearing the end of the summer, I almost decided not to go back to UPEI.  Again, I had found something I enjoyed and figured it would be like that forever if I kept at it.  Thankfully, with some encouragement from some friends, I decided to go back.  I didn't live in the dorm as I didn't want to be in the party scene any more.  Literally, one week before school started, I met someone who completely knocked me off my feet, flat on my ass -- in a good way.  I met Ian.  From our first date, I knew there was something special about him.  Just looking at him made me smile, made me feel safe, and made me feel beautiful.  He was so quiet and shy, which I found intriguing, as I was now a very social person.  I think he may have said 30 words our entire first date, but that was all it took.  We went on a few more dates before making our relationship official.  


Needless to say, I wanted to spend every free moment with him.  He made me happier than I could ever remember being.  We quickly fell completely in love and I put school on the back burner in order to surround myself with him.  To some, this may seem like a silly move.  At the time, I somewhat felt that way myself.  I proceeded to drop out for year (with intentions of returning the following year).  I was in this wonderful world of love, lust, and fun.  He made me feel like a queen -- and still does.  I got a job and we moved into a small motel room together.


This seemed like a quick move to most people.  However, we became very close, very quick.  We simply loved being around each other all the time.  Leaving each other at night hurt so bad.  He would leave my place in Summerside to go back to town and I would cry.  When I went to his place, I would wait for him to fall asleep before sneaking out to head home, usually at 3am.  It was a love like I had never felt before, and never thought I would ever feel.


Again, I had people around me preaching that I need to go back to school and finish my degree.  At this point, I agreed and did go back.  I went back part time and managed to get another 2 credits.  And that was it.  I decided that school just wasn't for me at this time because I needed to work in order to help us live.  To pay my share of rent and other bills I needed a full time job as student loans just didn't cover it.  Many thought this was the wrong choice, and honestly, so did I.  After some time I began writing on my own time.  I had a password protected "diary" online that I would write in.  It was then that I realized that I did love Psychology, but I didn't have the passion for it as I did with writing.  So, a year later, I entered Holland College as a Journalism student.  I loved it!  I was so excited to put my passion to work for me.  I did extremely well and my teacher even told me that I had a huge amount of natural journalistic talent and that he was amazed at my writing ability.  This made me so happy.  It was the first time I felt 100% validated.  I now knew that I did have a natural ability and that following my passion was the right choice.


Unfortunately, student loan issues and medical problems forced me to yet again, leave school.  However, I can promise the world that I will be back in September.  During my short time in Journalism school, I managed to get some very high profile interviews, including Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy.  I quickly realized that not only was I a good writer, I had the "balls" (excuse my expression) to do what I needed to do, to get the story I wanted to get.  


My future plans is to finish J-School with a diploma from Holland College and a degree from UPEI.  However, I am hoping to get into show business.  No, not as an actress or a singer.  As a reporter or publicist.  This dream will become a reality.


As seen in previous posts, I am currently going through some tough stuff.  However, Ian is by my side, supporting me and helping me get well and we are making it through.  I have been doing a lot better lately and it is all thanks to him (and my shrink hehe).  I could write a novel on how much love I have for Ian and how amazing he is, but that is for another day.


This entry may seem all over the place, but the point is this:  No matter what you preach to someone, it is not likely to work.  Every person needs to figure themselves out...on their own.  You can preach until you are blue in the face..."Get an education" "Be a doctor" "Do something with your life."  It doesn't matter what way you say it, it is useless.  One person may be completely happy working at a corner store, making $10 an hour, while others will not be happy until they have a million in the bank.  The point is, happiness is what matters.  If you are barely making it by, but you are genuinely happy in your situation, then keep on keepin on!  If you aren't happy...do something about it.  Stop moping, feeling bad for yourself.  If I can do it, you can do it.  I had a grade 9 education and now I am half way to being a university graduate.  Nothing is impossible.  Never do what you friends, parents, or spouse tells you should do.  Do what YOU want to do.  However, in saying that, you also need to ensure that you and your family are properly taken care of.


That is my story.  I sincerely hope that it helps even one person to make a life choice that is right for them.  As always, thank you for reading!  <3


-Drea 

Valentines Day

Well here we are, on the much anticipated Valentines Day.  I have woken up to a hundred status updates wishing the world a happy Valentines day, with a few non-valentine loving statuses mixed it.  This blog update will is likely to going to only further prove my "obsession of going against the grain."  That is not the case, it is, again, just me not buying into the hype that is created for me to buy in to.


I used to hate Valentines day as a kid, because it was a popularity contest among school aged children.  I found it to be appalling that each year the teacher had to make it clear that each and every student was to receive a Valentine.  Obviously this was because, the less popular kids -- like myself -- would end the day with only a small handful of the cute little cards.  I was one of those unpopular kids who didn't want to get an abundance of cards.  Even at that age, I knew it was a stupid holiday.


As an adult, when I was single, I looking at February 14th the same as any other day.  I didn't celebrate a form on anti-vday like some tend to do, and I didn't spend the evening drinking wine with my other single friends, feeling sorry for myself.  No, it was just a regular day.  Now, I am engaged to the most amazing man!  He treats me like a queen and makes me happier then I have ever been.  And yet still, Valentines day means nothing to me.  We don't exchange gifts, he doesn't get me flowers or chocolate or jewelry.  And I love that!  He has gotten me flowers, chocolate and even gorgeous jewelry on other occasions, which make it even more special.  When he comes home and gives me a kiss and flowers just because he feels like it, makes me SO happy.  


What is so special about getting gifts and cards on February 14th.  It isn't.  Every second person is getting the same thing.  There is nothing special about it because its what we're "meant" to do.  Because we live with room mates, we take advantage of February 14th by hoping our room mates have made plans so we can enjoy some quiet time alone.  


I really do feel bad for all those men out there at the flower stores, and jewelry stores running around looking for the perfect thing that says "I love you".  Here is a tip, you want to say I love you in a special way?  While you're watching a movie together, pull her in close, kiss her and look her in the eyes and explain to her how your life would crumble without her in it, that you have never loved anyone as much as you love her.  You don't need flowers, chocolate and gifts to show that you love someone.  In fact, personally, I look at that as being the most insensitive possible way to express your love.

Valentines day is a holiday that was created by western society.  The holiday originated from the ancient Roman fesitval of Luercalia, a fertility celebration that used to be observed annually on February 15th.  But, the rise of Christianity in Europe saw many pagan holidays being renamed for and dedicated to the early Christian martyrs.  Luercalia was no exception.  In 496 AD, Pope Gelasius turned Lupercalia into a Christian feast day and set its observance a day earlier, on February 14th.  This day was to be a feast day in honor of Saint Valentine, a Roman martyr who lived in the 3rd century.  Is it this St. Valentine whom the modern Valentines Day honors.  Yet, western society had to completely commercialize another day in history.

I will keep this entry short, as my point as been made pretty clear. This Valentines day, try not to buy into commercialism. Trying showing your love without gifts. A romantic walk, a snuggly evening in bed with your favorite movie.  

I must also say that I cannot blame this on men!  Shocking I know!  I am sure that if it were up to most men, they wouldn't be spending hundreds on gifts either.  It is us, as women, who expect something on Valentines day, and if it isn't received, we throw a shit fit.  I never understood why women felt they were entitled to anything on Valentines day.  As a woman, with a wonderful fiance, I feel this way.  Many feel that people who feel this way about Valentines day are just bitter because they are single.  Not true, just as many happy couples feel the same.

As always, thank you for reading!  I appreciate each and every one of you!

Cheers,

-Drea