Wow, it has been far too long since I have made a post. In my defense I have been doing a lot of self-healing and been away from the computer most of the time. However, I am back and better than ever!
Today I am going to be talking about something that has tormented me my entire life. I know plenty of other people, both friends and family, who have struggled with it their entire lives. Luckily, I have gotten away from it -- YES, I am struggling, but in the end, it will be worth it.
So what am I talking about? Addiction? No. I am talking about pressure! For as long as I can remember I was faced with pressure from everyone around me to be a certain way, act a certain way, live a certain way. As a teenager and young(er) adult, I did tend to ignore this pressure and do what I wanted. Which is great!! However, I was missing one big piece of the puzzle, my own plan. Since I was 18 I have basically been living on my own. I worked in dead end jobs and couldn't pay my bills, but somehow, with the help of family, I survived. It was wonderful -- so I thought -- to be "on my own" and living according to my own "plan". That "plan" was to just live day by day doing whatever I needed to in order to barely make it through and spend the rest of my time doing whatever I wanted. At 18, that seemed so glamorous compared to living at home, with rules, curfews and nagging parents.
The biggest problem with the entire scenario, was that I had zero long term plans. I often talked about someday finishing school and getting a degree...talked about becoming a doctor or a nurse. Making myself believe I could actually do these things, when deep down, I knew I couldn't. Months would go by, and I would listen to my parents and friends lecture me about how my life is leading no where and I will be nothing more than what I currently was if I didn't do something. At the time, this went in one ear and out the other. I retained nothing -- why? -- because I didn't want to. To me, they were just preaching like they always had -- that IS what parents do afterall.
Flash forward to age 21. I am living in a basement, one bedroom apartment. It is in a constant state of disgusting. A massive mess at all times. I wasn't working, paying rent from EI, spending my days playing computer games and eating cans of beans because I had nothing else. I'd buy cigarettes before food, and buy game time instead of paying for my cable. My priorities were completely out of whack. Then, one day, something clicked! I have no idea what it was, but myself and Ashley decided we were going to take our GED exam -- without studying -- and hope for the best. We figured that if we at least had our GED, we would be able to make something....anything of ourselves. Thankfully, I passed...barely. I passed by one mark. I decided to ignore the advice of everyone around me and venture out into the world and try to land that "amazing job" I figured I deserved because I had my GED. I don't think I could have been more wrong. Instead, I started a job as a Marketing and Advertising Manager -- which seemed to be way to good to be true -- and I was right. After my first shift, I ended up being molested and it turned into a court case lasting all summer. That was my last straw. I made a conscience decision to not let this situation ruin my life (as it often can). I decided to completely forget the entire incident and move on with my life.
At that point I decided that I needed more education to make it anywhere in life. Also, I had finally decided I wanted to make it in this world, on my own. However, I also thought that if I a little more education, I'd nail the high paying job and live a life of happiness and luxury. Easy right? Not so much. I attended Holland College in order to upgrade some of my credits. As you have likely figured out, I dropped out of high school (3 times) and barely had a grade 9 education. Nevertheless, I took on high school academic credits. I initially had planned to get all of my credits in order to have a complete academic high school diploma. I found out that with a little effort, I was actually good at something -- which I never thought before. I realized that I had a huge passion for writing, and surprisingly, I was good at it. I completed my English, Canadian History, and Advanced Political Studies credits in 7 months. My final grade in all courses was not lower than a 92%.
I was ecstatic. I finally felt like I had accomplished something. I had an amazing support system. My instructor, Leanne, was amazing. She believed in me, and she saw the potential I had and she pushed me to do what she knew I could do. There were times that I felt she hated me and was being strict with me for that reason. After a while I realized that she saw talent in me, and she had to be hard on me so I would produce my best possible work. I have never corrected so many commas in my entire life! Needless to say, I tend to be a stickler for comma use now. After realizing that I wasn't a complete idiot, I decided to apply to the University of Prince Edward Island. I really and truly had no thoughts about actually getting in. Take a moment to consider the facts. I had completed only up to 9th grade, got my GED, and had a total of three grade 12 academic credits. The outlook was not good. However, I waited and waited and finally I got that wonderful letter. I got in! I instantly began to cry and ran upstairs to show my mother (who was waiting for me in the driveway). We both cried. All of this time, I thought those around me, preaching to me that I was smart and just needed to put my mind to it, were wrong. I truly thought I had the right idea of what the perfect life should be.
That simple letter gave me the push I needed. The following September I was ready to go! I moved into residence and started my university classes. I quickly discovered that I had a big love for the field of Psychology. First semester, I did really well. I got all but one credit, and got good marks in the other 4. This shocked me as I had such little education, but with the amazing professors, studying, and my passion allowed me to do well. Then, after 22 years of never consuming any of it, I discovered alcohol. I realized that I loved the party scene and Captain Morgan Rum even more. By the middle of second semester, I had barely attended any classes and was partying a minimum of 2 nights a week. Yet, I was loving it! As you have likely read in previous posts, I never had a lot of friends. I was never social, I had such low self esteem that I would just keep to myself. All of a sudden -- thanks to my brother -- I had friends, a lot of friends. Just like me, these friends enjoyed partying. The rest of the year is sort of a blur. It involved a lot of partying, and doing a whole lot of nothing. I passed one class second semester, by a hair. I moved back home for the summer and got a job which I loved. I had turned into this social butterfly and spent all my free time with friends. I worked my ass off, often 60 hours a week, but I loved my co-workers and the job itself. When I was not working, I was out with my new found best friend Jake in my car that I was so proud of!
It was one of the best summers of my life. Sure, Ashley wasn't there, but we had both been forced to move on friend wise as she was a world away. Nearing the end of the summer, I almost decided not to go back to UPEI. Again, I had found something I enjoyed and figured it would be like that forever if I kept at it. Thankfully, with some encouragement from some friends, I decided to go back. I didn't live in the dorm as I didn't want to be in the party scene any more. Literally, one week before school started, I met someone who completely knocked me off my feet, flat on my ass -- in a good way. I met Ian. From our first date, I knew there was something special about him. Just looking at him made me smile, made me feel safe, and made me feel beautiful. He was so quiet and shy, which I found intriguing, as I was now a very social person. I think he may have said 30 words our entire first date, but that was all it took. We went on a few more dates before making our relationship official.
Needless to say, I wanted to spend every free moment with him. He made me happier than I could ever remember being. We quickly fell completely in love and I put school on the back burner in order to surround myself with him. To some, this may seem like a silly move. At the time, I somewhat felt that way myself. I proceeded to drop out for year (with intentions of returning the following year). I was in this wonderful world of love, lust, and fun. He made me feel like a queen -- and still does. I got a job and we moved into a small motel room together.
This seemed like a quick move to most people. However, we became very close, very quick. We simply loved being around each other all the time. Leaving each other at night hurt so bad. He would leave my place in Summerside to go back to town and I would cry. When I went to his place, I would wait for him to fall asleep before sneaking out to head home, usually at 3am. It was a love like I had never felt before, and never thought I would ever feel.
Again, I had people around me preaching that I need to go back to school and finish my degree. At this point, I agreed and did go back. I went back part time and managed to get another 2 credits. And that was it. I decided that school just wasn't for me at this time because I needed to work in order to help us live. To pay my share of rent and other bills I needed a full time job as student loans just didn't cover it. Many thought this was the wrong choice, and honestly, so did I. After some time I began writing on my own time. I had a password protected "diary" online that I would write in. It was then that I realized that I did love Psychology, but I didn't have the passion for it as I did with writing. So, a year later, I entered Holland College as a Journalism student. I loved it! I was so excited to put my passion to work for me. I did extremely well and my teacher even told me that I had a huge amount of natural journalistic talent and that he was amazed at my writing ability. This made me so happy. It was the first time I felt 100% validated. I now knew that I did have a natural ability and that following my passion was the right choice.
Unfortunately, student loan issues and medical problems forced me to yet again, leave school. However, I can promise the world that I will be back in September. During my short time in Journalism school, I managed to get some very high profile interviews, including Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy. I quickly realized that not only was I a good writer, I had the "balls" (excuse my expression) to do what I needed to do, to get the story I wanted to get.
My future plans is to finish J-School with a diploma from Holland College and a degree from UPEI. However, I am hoping to get into show business. No, not as an actress or a singer. As a reporter or publicist. This dream will become a reality.
As seen in previous posts, I am currently going through some tough stuff. However, Ian is by my side, supporting me and helping me get well and we are making it through. I have been doing a lot better lately and it is all thanks to him (and my shrink hehe). I could write a novel on how much love I have for Ian and how amazing he is, but that is for another day.
This entry may seem all over the place, but the point is this: No matter what you preach to someone, it is not likely to work. Every person needs to figure themselves out...on their own. You can preach until you are blue in the face..."Get an education" "Be a doctor" "Do something with your life." It doesn't matter what way you say it, it is useless. One person may be completely happy working at a corner store, making $10 an hour, while others will not be happy until they have a million in the bank. The point is, happiness is what matters. If you are barely making it by, but you are genuinely happy in your situation, then keep on keepin on! If you aren't happy...do something about it. Stop moping, feeling bad for yourself. If I can do it, you can do it. I had a grade 9 education and now I am half way to being a university graduate. Nothing is impossible. Never do what you friends, parents, or spouse tells you should do. Do what YOU want to do. However, in saying that, you also need to ensure that you and your family are properly taken care of.
That is my story. I sincerely hope that it helps even one person to make a life choice that is right for them. As always, thank you for reading! <3
-Drea
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Freedom = Unemployment line
How many times have you written a status on Facebook and just before hitting the "update" button you make a last minute choice to backspace the entire thing and write something else? I know I do that all the time. Mainly, for one reason. Potential employers have begun to abuse Facebook and determine whether or not to hire you based on what is on your Facebook profile. This concept makes me so angry. Who I am with my friends has nothing to do with what kind of worker I would be. Maybe I want to share a photo I find hilarious, but I can't share it out of fear that some future employer may see it. At one time, we had the ability to make our profiles completely hidden from non-friends, and we do still have that option, however, with the recent changes if I post a picture, everyone who is friends with one of my friends, can see it (if my friend decides to like it, comment, or share it). I am almost positive that everyone is connected in some way. There are likely thousands of people who don't know me, but they know at least one of my friends. This makes it so thousands of people that you don't know, can see various things you've posted on YOUR Facebook page.
These employers will find what they can about you from Facebook and ultimately that will decide if you get hired or not. Just because I may find something funny that this employer finds offensive, does not mean I will be a bad worker. We should have the freedom to put whatever we want on our Facebook page without worrying about it possibly ruining our chances of a good job.
Facebook is not the only thing that has been squashed by employers. What about those people who choose to express themselves via tattoos and piercings? I think it is absolutely pathetic that when I have a job interview, I have to wear a long sleeve shirt to hide my tattoos. Once hired, I will expose my arms for what they really are, luckily, the law is on our side in saying an employer cannot fire you for such a thing. But they can sure as hell not hire you for having tattoos. Sure, they won't come out and say that (because that would be illegal, as it is discrimination), but they will just say that you "aren't right for the position." Despite you having extensive experience for that particular job.
I have my tongue pierced, and I have had it since I was 17 (I am now 24). If I had a dime for every employer who said they'd hire me if I agreed to remove it, I'd be rich! I won't lie, I've turned down job offers in the past because I refused to take it out. I refuse to be completely controlled by an employer. I really wish someone could explain to me how having a pierced tongue makes me a bad worker. I doubt there is a good/bad workers with tongue piercing ratio. The reason why employers discriminate about this is because society can't handle those who express themselves through these avenues. I guess I can only hope that someday it will change. I admit, it has changed significantly since I was a teenager, but there is still a lot of room for more improvement.
There are so many different things that make it extremely hard to find a decent job. Things that we can never prove actually prevented us from getting hired. Things such as gender, beauty, and weight. I ask that you take the time to read this post on my WordPress account. I chose to add it there as it is lengthy. It is a paper I wrote for my Social Psychology class last year. It is about weight based discrimination in the work force. The facts will utterly shock you, and that is something I can promise. You can find this post at: http://dreamars.wordpress.com/2012/02/09/the-truth-about-weight-based-dscrimination/
Yes, I know it is long, but trust me when I say it is worth reading. It thoroughly disgusts me when I walk into a store and look around at all of the employees and realize quickly that they are all breathtakingly beautiful. I wish someone could explain to me why pretty people make better workers than average looking people. What is difficult about this is that everyone knows this takes place in the workforce, yet we can never prove it. Therefore, we can never get the justice we deserve. We can never hold such employers accountable for their disgusting forms of discrimination.
Please read through it and comment on here with your thoughts about workplace discrimination. It is something that needs to be stopped, sadly I don't know how to stop it. Maybe one of you have an idea! Let's discuss :)
-Drea
These employers will find what they can about you from Facebook and ultimately that will decide if you get hired or not. Just because I may find something funny that this employer finds offensive, does not mean I will be a bad worker. We should have the freedom to put whatever we want on our Facebook page without worrying about it possibly ruining our chances of a good job.
Facebook is not the only thing that has been squashed by employers. What about those people who choose to express themselves via tattoos and piercings? I think it is absolutely pathetic that when I have a job interview, I have to wear a long sleeve shirt to hide my tattoos. Once hired, I will expose my arms for what they really are, luckily, the law is on our side in saying an employer cannot fire you for such a thing. But they can sure as hell not hire you for having tattoos. Sure, they won't come out and say that (because that would be illegal, as it is discrimination), but they will just say that you "aren't right for the position." Despite you having extensive experience for that particular job.
I have my tongue pierced, and I have had it since I was 17 (I am now 24). If I had a dime for every employer who said they'd hire me if I agreed to remove it, I'd be rich! I won't lie, I've turned down job offers in the past because I refused to take it out. I refuse to be completely controlled by an employer. I really wish someone could explain to me how having a pierced tongue makes me a bad worker. I doubt there is a good/bad workers with tongue piercing ratio. The reason why employers discriminate about this is because society can't handle those who express themselves through these avenues. I guess I can only hope that someday it will change. I admit, it has changed significantly since I was a teenager, but there is still a lot of room for more improvement.
There are so many different things that make it extremely hard to find a decent job. Things that we can never prove actually prevented us from getting hired. Things such as gender, beauty, and weight. I ask that you take the time to read this post on my WordPress account. I chose to add it there as it is lengthy. It is a paper I wrote for my Social Psychology class last year. It is about weight based discrimination in the work force. The facts will utterly shock you, and that is something I can promise. You can find this post at: http://dreamars.wordpress.com/2012/02/09/the-truth-about-weight-based-dscrimination/
Yes, I know it is long, but trust me when I say it is worth reading. It thoroughly disgusts me when I walk into a store and look around at all of the employees and realize quickly that they are all breathtakingly beautiful. I wish someone could explain to me why pretty people make better workers than average looking people. What is difficult about this is that everyone knows this takes place in the workforce, yet we can never prove it. Therefore, we can never get the justice we deserve. We can never hold such employers accountable for their disgusting forms of discrimination.
Please read through it and comment on here with your thoughts about workplace discrimination. It is something that needs to be stopped, sadly I don't know how to stop it. Maybe one of you have an idea! Let's discuss :)
-Drea
Let's Talk!
I really want to bring this to everyone's attention. Bell is having their Let's Talk campaign today and I am so happy to see it doing well. You can visit http://letstalk.bell.ca/ for more info and to keep track of the Tweets and Smiles people are sharing.
Bell Canada is donating 5 cents for every text message and long distance call made from a Bell phone to mental health programs. This is unbelievable. It is long overdue for a company to raise money and awareness about mental health. Mental health is just as crippling as other illnesses and disease. Millions of people struggled with it everyday. Not a lot of people look at mental health issues as a disease because you often cannot physically see the effects it has on people. Those struggling with depression are living everyday of their lives in agony, but more times than not, they put on their game face and get through their day without anyone knowing anything is wrong.
There are thousands of suicides around the world each day because of various mental health issues. I firmly believe that if we had more awareness and more help for these people that those suicide rates would fall. Each and every person and community should educate themselves on the mental health issues that affect so many people. Just because someone doesn't look sick, does not mean they aren't sick.
I know a lot of people that bitch and complain about their co-workers going on leave when "they didn't look sick, there's nothing wrong with them." You couldn't be more wrong. As someone who has battled depression, anxiety and (still battling) a crippling phobia, I know that the effects of mental illness can prove to be much worse than other more physical illnesses. If you have never struggled with mental health issues I can understand how it would be hard to comprehend the struggle we face each day. But imagine how it feels to not be able to get out of bed in the morning because you truly feel the world would be better off with you not in it.
Mental illness is not something that can be prevented. Sometimes, it is something that cannot even be cured. Yes, we have psychologists and doctors that can medicate us so we can function, and often times with the proper therapy, we can beat our depression and continue living our lives. However, there are just as many cases of people who simply cannot beat it. Most other illnesses can be cured through medication, surgery or other professional avenues. Can you imagine having something like depression, OCD, schizophrenia, or other mental illness and knowing that it won't ever go away. Instead of getting cured and moving on with your life the way you always did, you must learn to live life in a whole new way. You have to learn different coping skills just to get through each day. Can you imagine how hard it would be to have to completely re-learn how to live -- just to survive? I know first hand, it is a long hard road. But for those who are suffering, I can assure you that with the proper treatment, things will get better. Will they be exactly like they were before? Probably not. But if anything, you will come out of it a different yet stronger person.
So let's raise more awareness! Talk to your government and fight for more treatment options (especially for those who can't afford it). Canada has universal health care, which saves hundreds of thousands of lives each year. Yet, when someone (like myself) requires a psychologist or other mental health professional, we have to pay $150+ an hour. We need to convince our government to fund more mental health treatment options.
Let me know what your community is doing to raise awareness about mental health! If we band together, we can make a difference!
-Drea
Emetophobia - Coping Skills
I've already gotten a decent amount of response regarding my last post about Emetophobia. It actually pleases me to see that people are taking an interest in the subject, whether they suffer from it themselves or they just want to learn more about it. After seeing the response I got in a very short period of time, I decided to create another post, explaining some of the techniques I have perfected over the years that really help with anxiety and help you cope during rough situations. Sure, I am still basically a shut-in, but that doesn't mean I don't still experience plenty of anxiety related to my phobia. So, here we go, my coping skills, enjoy! And please, let me know if any of these work for you.
Firstly, as I stated in my previous post, I am extremely sanitary. I make my fiance sanitize his hands with the proper sanitizer before eating or touching his face. Reason being, even though I rarely go out, he does. He has school and he runs most of the errands, so not only do I need myself to be germ free, I need him to be as well. Honestly, being super clean is my number one coping skill. If I keep germs away from my body and my mouth it makes it damn near impossible to get anything that will make me sick. On the same note, I am really anal (excuse the expression) about expiry dates on food and my cooking practices are flawed. I overcook my chicken to the point it has the consistency of rubber. I refuse to order anything in a restaurant that has a good chance of being contaminated, therefore, I usually stick with anything deep fried (as it is usually pre-cooked). I thoroughly research my local restaurants. There are only a handful of places that I will trust. And if I ever hear of someone becoming ill at one of my "safe" restaurants, it immediately goes on my "nay nay" list. All of this may not appear to be a coping skill, but it very much is. By removing these threats, my anxiety level has less of a chance of rising up.
My second skill is breathing/relaxation/thinking. When I feel my anxiety levels rising to a bad level, I try my hardest to take deep breathes, in through my mouth, holding it for a few seconds, then releasing it very slowly. When I begin to feel nauseated due to my anxiety, this method really helps to relieve my stomach issues. I will also lay back and put on a recording of Family Guy or American Dad. That may seem weird, but it is my comfort zone. I have no clue why, but having Family Guy or American Dad playing puts me in a state of comfort. I don't care why it works, as long as it works. But I must say that finding a comfort zone is definitely important. During an anxiety episode this is what my comfort zone is like. Laying in bed, my fan on, window open (as fresh air and being cool help me as well, being too warm only makes it worse). I will put on Family Guy or American Dad and have Ian laying next to me playing Battlefield 3 on his TV. Seems so ridiculous and simple, but...it works and thats what matters. So I definitely encourage you to figure out what puts you in a state of pure comfort. If you aren't 110% comfortable, your anxiety will only get worse. Try reading your favorite book, or taking a bath. Often times I find a bath will calm me down and soothe any pain or nausea I may be feeling.
My third skill is (shockingly) eating. Every single day I find myself getting anxious with the fear that I am sick because my stomach hurts or feels "nauseous." When in reality, I am simply hungry. As an emetophobe, I often find myself unable to distinguish between hunger and nausea. To be completely honest, if someone asked me to describe the feeling of being nauseous, I couldn't do it. Not because of my phobia, but because I have associated so many different feelings with being sick, that I can no longer distinguish between them. Usually, my stomach gets a feeling of emptiness, and sometimes it cramps really bad. Naturally, I associate the cramping, with being sick. I have to wait for my stomach to physically grumble before I can trust myself eating. But, as of late I have been forcing myself to eat something when I feel my stomach getting that way. If I am really anxious, I will eat some toast. Something light....just in case. Yet, every time, once I get food into me, my stomach feels great. Although, I have to admit, that my stomach rarely feels "normal." I crave to feel "normal." In fact, emetophobics claim to feel nauseated on average 319 days out of the year, whereas non-phobics report an average of 3 times (another fun fact, non-phobics report vomiting an average of 2 times a year, where as phobics report an average of 1 time every 16 years -- please correct me if you find these numbers to be wrong, I am going on memory here). So yes, make sure you eat. You will likely find that a lot of your anxiety over feeling nauseous, is actually just hunger. However, if the anxiety is really bad, do what I do, eat a single piece of toast. That's all it takes to make your belly feel better, and IF you actually are sick (which I can almost promise you is not the case) a single piece of toast won't produce much of anything -- I realize that the simple thought that there is still that dreaded word "if" that you will be unlikely to eat, however, all you have to do is repeat to yourself over and over that you are not sick.
Now, this next skill I have to make a disclaimer about. I am not suggesting you do this because I am 100% unaware of any negative effects it may have (although I have an appointment with my Doctor soon to determine what effects it may be causing, at which point I will surely update this post). However, I have a pharmacy next to my bed. Allow me to name just a few things in my basket -- Pepto-Bismol, Gas-X, Tums, Gravol, Ginger Root, Advil, Tylenol, Zantac, and Immodium. And I can assure you that just touches the surface. If I find myself exposed to something that could potentially make me sick, I usually will take Gravol every 4 hours for a few days. It has gotten to the point that it doesn't even make me tired anymore. I go through a large bottle of Pepto-Bismol every 3 to 5 days. And Tums...well Tums I eat like candy most of the time. Now, in my defense, I have been diagnosed with a stomach ulcer that tends to be quite severe at times. The Pepto, Tums, Gas-X and Zantac help with the symptoms of my ulcer. Gravol does at times too (but I truly believe that is completely in my head). Again, I do not suggest you abuse Gravol. I have done some research on it and have yet to find anything terribly serious. However, I am seeing my Doctor about it and will then determine my plan of action. I also must inform you that this Gravol habit has calmed down a lot in recent months. At one time, I would literally always have Gravol in my system. I suppose I should explain why. Gravol works by "turning off" the signal in your brain that makes you vomit. Therefore, in my head, if I have Gravol in me, I can't vomit.
This next thing is likely the most ridiculous sounding of them all, but, for me it works. And again, after some research I've discovered this is actually a "symptom" of an emetophobe. I always have Halls or a mint nearby. I prefer Halls because the stronger the better. But the instant I feel anxious, I pop a Halls in my mouth and it calms me down. I have no idea why, maybe it is because it helps me take my mind off of my fear and allows me to focus on something else. I believe it acts in the same way that some people truly do better on exams while chewing gum. It subconsciously occupies your mind.
You can also try what I call the "tension technique." Lay down in bed, and completely flex every possible muscle in your body, making yourself stiff as a board. Hold it for a few seconds, and release, keep doing this over and over and it really brings down your anxiety levels. This is a technique a psychologist got me to try, and it is definitely effective.
Now for the cardinal sins of coping. I know that when I am anxious about getting sick I tend to start doing more research on Norovirus and other illnesses that cause vomiting. At the time I think that it will benefit me to re-assure myself that whatever I had been exposed to was not a way to catch the illness. That sentence may be hard to understand so I will explain with an example. If I went for coffee with someone (which is highly unlikely at this stage) and they informed me that their boyfriend had a stomach bug. I would instantly become anxious and more than likely become short of breath, experience nausea and heart palpitations. Once I get home I would be thinking of nothing except how I had been exposed to this "deathly" virus. So, I would then start doing more research, reading things I already know, to re-assure myself that I did not touch anything they touched and that the virus is not air-borne. However, in the end, this makes it 10 times worse. Yes I am getting the re-assurance my brain so desperately needs, but I am also keeping the topic fresh in my mind, thus making my anxiety worse. So when you find yourself in a situation where you feel like need to do more research and re-read everything you've read a million times...don't. It just makes the anxiety drag on.
One of the most important things, that I cannot stress enough, is that your usual Purell and other similar products do not kill viruses that cause vomiting. When purchasing your sanitizing products be sure to look for Benzethonium Chloride. You will find this specifically in Gold Bond Ultimate Hand Sanitizer and Wet Ones Sanitizing Wipes. The Gold Bond is by far my favorite as it comes in large bottles and purse size bottles. However, it can be hard to find. I have yet to find it where I live, but don't fret. I get mine at www.well.ca. They have good prices, quick shipping, and as a bonus, shipping is free in Canada so it is definitely worth checking out.
I apologize for such a lengthy entry, but I have so much to say and cannot seem to type fast enough to get it all out. I realize that I am still in recovery and cannot sit here and tell you how to fix your phobia, if I knew how, I would cure myself. My hope is that this will find at least one person who will benefit from it.
As you can likely tell, the best coping method, is to take steps to make it damn near impossible to get it to begin with. Practice safe cooking and good hygiene. I have one more important coping method, and this I cannot stress enough. Tell people what you are experiencing. Tell your mother, father, sister, brother, friend or spouse. Tell someone how it affects you. This can be extremely difficult, but you will be utterly shocked at the support system you likely have around you.
As usual, I encourage comments or e-mails from anyone experiencing this hellish fear. Talking with people going through the same thing can be incredibly helpful.
I will now leave you with one last suggestion. If you are like me and find that you have trouble sleeping at night, out of fear that you will wake up sick. Talk to your doctor about getting a medication to help you sleep. I take Zopiclone which puts you to sleep but also acts as an anti-anxiety medicine. It has been my saving grace for many nights.
-Drea
Firstly, as I stated in my previous post, I am extremely sanitary. I make my fiance sanitize his hands with the proper sanitizer before eating or touching his face. Reason being, even though I rarely go out, he does. He has school and he runs most of the errands, so not only do I need myself to be germ free, I need him to be as well. Honestly, being super clean is my number one coping skill. If I keep germs away from my body and my mouth it makes it damn near impossible to get anything that will make me sick. On the same note, I am really anal (excuse the expression) about expiry dates on food and my cooking practices are flawed. I overcook my chicken to the point it has the consistency of rubber. I refuse to order anything in a restaurant that has a good chance of being contaminated, therefore, I usually stick with anything deep fried (as it is usually pre-cooked). I thoroughly research my local restaurants. There are only a handful of places that I will trust. And if I ever hear of someone becoming ill at one of my "safe" restaurants, it immediately goes on my "nay nay" list. All of this may not appear to be a coping skill, but it very much is. By removing these threats, my anxiety level has less of a chance of rising up.
My second skill is breathing/relaxation/thinking. When I feel my anxiety levels rising to a bad level, I try my hardest to take deep breathes, in through my mouth, holding it for a few seconds, then releasing it very slowly. When I begin to feel nauseated due to my anxiety, this method really helps to relieve my stomach issues. I will also lay back and put on a recording of Family Guy or American Dad. That may seem weird, but it is my comfort zone. I have no clue why, but having Family Guy or American Dad playing puts me in a state of comfort. I don't care why it works, as long as it works. But I must say that finding a comfort zone is definitely important. During an anxiety episode this is what my comfort zone is like. Laying in bed, my fan on, window open (as fresh air and being cool help me as well, being too warm only makes it worse). I will put on Family Guy or American Dad and have Ian laying next to me playing Battlefield 3 on his TV. Seems so ridiculous and simple, but...it works and thats what matters. So I definitely encourage you to figure out what puts you in a state of pure comfort. If you aren't 110% comfortable, your anxiety will only get worse. Try reading your favorite book, or taking a bath. Often times I find a bath will calm me down and soothe any pain or nausea I may be feeling.
My third skill is (shockingly) eating. Every single day I find myself getting anxious with the fear that I am sick because my stomach hurts or feels "nauseous." When in reality, I am simply hungry. As an emetophobe, I often find myself unable to distinguish between hunger and nausea. To be completely honest, if someone asked me to describe the feeling of being nauseous, I couldn't do it. Not because of my phobia, but because I have associated so many different feelings with being sick, that I can no longer distinguish between them. Usually, my stomach gets a feeling of emptiness, and sometimes it cramps really bad. Naturally, I associate the cramping, with being sick. I have to wait for my stomach to physically grumble before I can trust myself eating. But, as of late I have been forcing myself to eat something when I feel my stomach getting that way. If I am really anxious, I will eat some toast. Something light....just in case. Yet, every time, once I get food into me, my stomach feels great. Although, I have to admit, that my stomach rarely feels "normal." I crave to feel "normal." In fact, emetophobics claim to feel nauseated on average 319 days out of the year, whereas non-phobics report an average of 3 times (another fun fact, non-phobics report vomiting an average of 2 times a year, where as phobics report an average of 1 time every 16 years -- please correct me if you find these numbers to be wrong, I am going on memory here). So yes, make sure you eat. You will likely find that a lot of your anxiety over feeling nauseous, is actually just hunger. However, if the anxiety is really bad, do what I do, eat a single piece of toast. That's all it takes to make your belly feel better, and IF you actually are sick (which I can almost promise you is not the case) a single piece of toast won't produce much of anything -- I realize that the simple thought that there is still that dreaded word "if" that you will be unlikely to eat, however, all you have to do is repeat to yourself over and over that you are not sick.
Now, this next skill I have to make a disclaimer about. I am not suggesting you do this because I am 100% unaware of any negative effects it may have (although I have an appointment with my Doctor soon to determine what effects it may be causing, at which point I will surely update this post). However, I have a pharmacy next to my bed. Allow me to name just a few things in my basket -- Pepto-Bismol, Gas-X, Tums, Gravol, Ginger Root, Advil, Tylenol, Zantac, and Immodium. And I can assure you that just touches the surface. If I find myself exposed to something that could potentially make me sick, I usually will take Gravol every 4 hours for a few days. It has gotten to the point that it doesn't even make me tired anymore. I go through a large bottle of Pepto-Bismol every 3 to 5 days. And Tums...well Tums I eat like candy most of the time. Now, in my defense, I have been diagnosed with a stomach ulcer that tends to be quite severe at times. The Pepto, Tums, Gas-X and Zantac help with the symptoms of my ulcer. Gravol does at times too (but I truly believe that is completely in my head). Again, I do not suggest you abuse Gravol. I have done some research on it and have yet to find anything terribly serious. However, I am seeing my Doctor about it and will then determine my plan of action. I also must inform you that this Gravol habit has calmed down a lot in recent months. At one time, I would literally always have Gravol in my system. I suppose I should explain why. Gravol works by "turning off" the signal in your brain that makes you vomit. Therefore, in my head, if I have Gravol in me, I can't vomit.
This next thing is likely the most ridiculous sounding of them all, but, for me it works. And again, after some research I've discovered this is actually a "symptom" of an emetophobe. I always have Halls or a mint nearby. I prefer Halls because the stronger the better. But the instant I feel anxious, I pop a Halls in my mouth and it calms me down. I have no idea why, maybe it is because it helps me take my mind off of my fear and allows me to focus on something else. I believe it acts in the same way that some people truly do better on exams while chewing gum. It subconsciously occupies your mind.
You can also try what I call the "tension technique." Lay down in bed, and completely flex every possible muscle in your body, making yourself stiff as a board. Hold it for a few seconds, and release, keep doing this over and over and it really brings down your anxiety levels. This is a technique a psychologist got me to try, and it is definitely effective.
Now for the cardinal sins of coping. I know that when I am anxious about getting sick I tend to start doing more research on Norovirus and other illnesses that cause vomiting. At the time I think that it will benefit me to re-assure myself that whatever I had been exposed to was not a way to catch the illness. That sentence may be hard to understand so I will explain with an example. If I went for coffee with someone (which is highly unlikely at this stage) and they informed me that their boyfriend had a stomach bug. I would instantly become anxious and more than likely become short of breath, experience nausea and heart palpitations. Once I get home I would be thinking of nothing except how I had been exposed to this "deathly" virus. So, I would then start doing more research, reading things I already know, to re-assure myself that I did not touch anything they touched and that the virus is not air-borne. However, in the end, this makes it 10 times worse. Yes I am getting the re-assurance my brain so desperately needs, but I am also keeping the topic fresh in my mind, thus making my anxiety worse. So when you find yourself in a situation where you feel like need to do more research and re-read everything you've read a million times...don't. It just makes the anxiety drag on.
One of the most important things, that I cannot stress enough, is that your usual Purell and other similar products do not kill viruses that cause vomiting. When purchasing your sanitizing products be sure to look for Benzethonium Chloride. You will find this specifically in Gold Bond Ultimate Hand Sanitizer and Wet Ones Sanitizing Wipes. The Gold Bond is by far my favorite as it comes in large bottles and purse size bottles. However, it can be hard to find. I have yet to find it where I live, but don't fret. I get mine at www.well.ca. They have good prices, quick shipping, and as a bonus, shipping is free in Canada so it is definitely worth checking out.
I apologize for such a lengthy entry, but I have so much to say and cannot seem to type fast enough to get it all out. I realize that I am still in recovery and cannot sit here and tell you how to fix your phobia, if I knew how, I would cure myself. My hope is that this will find at least one person who will benefit from it.
As you can likely tell, the best coping method, is to take steps to make it damn near impossible to get it to begin with. Practice safe cooking and good hygiene. I have one more important coping method, and this I cannot stress enough. Tell people what you are experiencing. Tell your mother, father, sister, brother, friend or spouse. Tell someone how it affects you. This can be extremely difficult, but you will be utterly shocked at the support system you likely have around you.
As usual, I encourage comments or e-mails from anyone experiencing this hellish fear. Talking with people going through the same thing can be incredibly helpful.
I will now leave you with one last suggestion. If you are like me and find that you have trouble sleeping at night, out of fear that you will wake up sick. Talk to your doctor about getting a medication to help you sleep. I take Zopiclone which puts you to sleep but also acts as an anti-anxiety medicine. It has been my saving grace for many nights.
-Drea
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Confessions of an Emetophobic
Emetophobia is not something many people have ever heard of, despite it being one of the top 10 phobias in the world, among other common phobias as heights, spiders, death and public speaking. What is Emetophobia? To put it simply, it is an extreme fear of vomit/vomiting. Some people who suffer from this are not afraid of vomiting, but they cannot even say the word vomit without extreme panic, while others, fear the physical act of vomiting. This fear can be so extreme that the sufferers become detached from society.
This is a HUGE step for me as only a few close friends and family members are aware that I suffer from Emetophobia. I have suffered with this since the age of 4 (according to my mother). For as long as I can remember the thought of getting sick terrified me to the point of a severe anxiety attack. However, I was able to function normally and live my life. Sure, I thought about it from time to time but for 22 years my phobia was at bay for the most part. The only time it really "flared" up was when I had been exposed to someone who had been ill, which was rare. Although, those "flare ups" ranged from moderate to severe. I specifically remember one time where my mother had to take me to the hospital because I had been become dehydrated from not eating or drinking for days (due to being scared of vomiting). My brain would tell me that if I didn't eat, I couldn't become ill. But, like I said, I was able to function in society, going to school and work. My phobia was actually a good thing at times. As a teenager I never took part in partying, drinking alcohol or using drugs...I won't lie, I wanted to, but I knew that those things could make me vomit so I just chose to stay away from it altogether -- which worked out well for me and my parents.
Most people who suffer from this fear keep it to themselves for their entire lives. Simply making excuses and lies to get out of certain things that would trigger their fear. That was me. My mother and brother were the only ones who knew about my fear, and even they did not know the extent to which it effected me. Only recently have I "come clean" to certain friends about this crippling fear. Why did I choose to tell them? As of last year, my phobia has taken hold of me and my entire life and it will not let go. I physically cannot do certain things without extreme panic, followed by days of panic and anxiety. A friend would invite me to the movies and I would make up an excuse as to why I couldn't go, the real reason...I was terrified that someone in that theater was sick, or had been sick and was still contagious, or had been around someone who had been sick. Sounds crazy right? The funny thing about this phobia is that I KNOW it is irrational. I am not a moron, I am very much aware that vomiting will not kill me, yet, my fight or flight jumps into gear when faced with such an illness. I can keep telling myself how ridiculous it is, but it makes no difference. That is what makes it a phobia, rather than a simple fear.
The steps that I take to ensure I don't become ill would make your head spin. I know every detail there is to know about illnesses that cause vomiting. I also know exactly what chemicals will kill such viruses and which ones wont. I know how it is passed along, incubation periods, etc. There are only certain hand sanitizers that kill the virus (Gold Bond Ultimate Sanitizer and Wet Ones). Purell and other common brands, don't kill it.
Now, why am I not able to function properly in public? Because, no offense, but humans are disgusting creatures. Disgusting in ways that YOU likely don't even think of. Here is an example. Norovirus (Norwalk) is ONLY transmitted via fecal and vomit particles. It is impossible to catch the virus through breathing, and even saliva. Let's think about that a moment. Anyone who has gotten Norovirus, HAD to have put something in their mouths that had such particles on it -- disgusting. So what measures do I take? It isn't anything crazy as every human being should practice these steps as it is simply good hygiene. I have Wet Ones and my special sanitizer at home and in the car. I never go anywhere without them. When I use my debit card or touch anything that anyone else has touched, I use these sanitizing agents before putting my hands anywhere near my face. Consider this. How many times have you gotten gas, gone into the store, and grabbed a snack. If you're anything like most people, you've done it often. So, you have your snack, you pay for your gas with your debit card and happily go back to your car. You then decide, while driving, to eat your snack. Sounds harmless yes? Wrong! There are so many things that you've touched that have disgusting amounts of germs on it. Firstly, the gas pump. Both the buttons and the nozzle are both filthy with every germ and bacteria you can imagine. Such viruses as Norovirus, survive freezing and extremely hot temperatures, so even in the middle of the winter, the gas pump is still crawling with disgusting little particles. Secondly, your snack. How many people have picked that exact item up only to decide on something else? More nasty germs on your hands. Thirdly, the debit machine. You could likely shiver in fear if you knew just how disgusting those machines are. Alright, so there are three things that are crawling with illness causing bacteria and now it is all over your hands. Now, for examples sake, you get into your car and proceed to sanitize your hands. Think you're in the clear? Not so much. These viruses stay on surfaces for up to two weeks! So, your hands are sanitized and you then take your debit card out of your pocket to replace it in your wallet or other card holding device. Your debit card, is a danger zone. It gets swiped through a machine that hundreds of cards are swiped through every day. And that cramped space never gets cleaned. So you are swiping your card through a germ infested machine. If you don't sanitize your debit card, then sanitizing your hands seems somewhat useless does it not?
Now, a lot of readers might think I am insane for putting that much thought into getting gas. But just take a moment and consider it. Am I wrong? How many of the people who have touched all those things decided to not wash their hands after using the bathroom. Or maybe they did wash their hands, only to turn the taps off with their freshly clean hands, only to contaminate them again. Just because you wash your hands after using the bathroom doesn't mean everyone does, especially children.
Getting ill is something that we have the ability to avoid, but humans are so disgusting in their habits that illness will always be a part of society. If everyone used the practices I do, there would be no such thing as pandemics, or even epidemics (excluding air borne illnesses of course). So, now you may wondering, what about all of this prevent me from functioning normally. Well, going out into public is a breeding zone for bacteria that cause illness. The reason is because I have no way of controlling other people and their hygienic practices. I consider it to be extremely un-nerving to know that people can be so germy and not even care.
So, how do I deal with this fear? As of late, I've been sticking to the safety of my home, more importantly, my room. I rarely interact with my room mates (excluding my fiance of course) because I have no way of knowing how sanitary they are. I have trained my fiance to be as sanitary as me. Also, my mother and step father have begun following in my clean footsteps. Obviously I am aware that I cannot live the rest of my life in the safety and comfort of my room. Therefore, I am currently seeing a psychologist once a week in hopes to cure my phobia. If it cannot be cured, I hope to at least be able to function with it. Learn some anxiety control and start really living my life. This phobia has completely crippled my life. I am beyond lucky to have such a wonderful fiance. He is about the only person who truly understands and supports me in this journey. Most people will just tell me to suck it up and tell me how I am using my phobia as an excuse not to work or be in school, when in reality, this is an illness in itself (ironically). I despise the term "mental illness", however, that is exactly what it is. I am sick, and I am taking all of the steps to get better. Ian (my fiance) is my rock and he supports me in everything I do. He completely understands how this effects me, even though he cannot fully understand why it affects me the way it does. My mother knows what I am going through, however, she cannot wrap her head around such a phobia, so her support in this is small, but it definitely helps.
What are my goals? I want to beat this thing. I want to go back to school, get my degree and get a job in my chosen career. I want to be able to go to concerts, movies and out for dinner. I want to be able to go on vacation. I want to be able to go out of the house without the constant strain of panic and anxiety. I know I can beat this and I will beat this.
My reason for writing this is because I think it is time to raise awareness about this crippling phobia that effects more people then you could ever imagine. This is a fear of something that is completely uncontrollable, that is what makes it so life changing. An extreme phobia of heights is controllable -- in the sense that one can simply avoid heights. One cannot ever completely avoid bacteria, viruses and germs.
I encourage anyone reading this who suffers from the same thing to step forward. Leave a comment and tell me your story. I invite any guest authors who wish to write their own story about their life with Emetophobia and I will feature those stories right here in this blog. I must put out a disclaimer. This is a very sensitive subject to hundreds of thousands of people, any negative or condescending comments shall be promptly deleted.
I truly thank you for reading this entry, it means a lot to me that you were interested enough to read through to the end.
-Drea
This is a HUGE step for me as only a few close friends and family members are aware that I suffer from Emetophobia. I have suffered with this since the age of 4 (according to my mother). For as long as I can remember the thought of getting sick terrified me to the point of a severe anxiety attack. However, I was able to function normally and live my life. Sure, I thought about it from time to time but for 22 years my phobia was at bay for the most part. The only time it really "flared" up was when I had been exposed to someone who had been ill, which was rare. Although, those "flare ups" ranged from moderate to severe. I specifically remember one time where my mother had to take me to the hospital because I had been become dehydrated from not eating or drinking for days (due to being scared of vomiting). My brain would tell me that if I didn't eat, I couldn't become ill. But, like I said, I was able to function in society, going to school and work. My phobia was actually a good thing at times. As a teenager I never took part in partying, drinking alcohol or using drugs...I won't lie, I wanted to, but I knew that those things could make me vomit so I just chose to stay away from it altogether -- which worked out well for me and my parents.
Most people who suffer from this fear keep it to themselves for their entire lives. Simply making excuses and lies to get out of certain things that would trigger their fear. That was me. My mother and brother were the only ones who knew about my fear, and even they did not know the extent to which it effected me. Only recently have I "come clean" to certain friends about this crippling fear. Why did I choose to tell them? As of last year, my phobia has taken hold of me and my entire life and it will not let go. I physically cannot do certain things without extreme panic, followed by days of panic and anxiety. A friend would invite me to the movies and I would make up an excuse as to why I couldn't go, the real reason...I was terrified that someone in that theater was sick, or had been sick and was still contagious, or had been around someone who had been sick. Sounds crazy right? The funny thing about this phobia is that I KNOW it is irrational. I am not a moron, I am very much aware that vomiting will not kill me, yet, my fight or flight jumps into gear when faced with such an illness. I can keep telling myself how ridiculous it is, but it makes no difference. That is what makes it a phobia, rather than a simple fear.
The steps that I take to ensure I don't become ill would make your head spin. I know every detail there is to know about illnesses that cause vomiting. I also know exactly what chemicals will kill such viruses and which ones wont. I know how it is passed along, incubation periods, etc. There are only certain hand sanitizers that kill the virus (Gold Bond Ultimate Sanitizer and Wet Ones). Purell and other common brands, don't kill it.
Now, why am I not able to function properly in public? Because, no offense, but humans are disgusting creatures. Disgusting in ways that YOU likely don't even think of. Here is an example. Norovirus (Norwalk) is ONLY transmitted via fecal and vomit particles. It is impossible to catch the virus through breathing, and even saliva. Let's think about that a moment. Anyone who has gotten Norovirus, HAD to have put something in their mouths that had such particles on it -- disgusting. So what measures do I take? It isn't anything crazy as every human being should practice these steps as it is simply good hygiene. I have Wet Ones and my special sanitizer at home and in the car. I never go anywhere without them. When I use my debit card or touch anything that anyone else has touched, I use these sanitizing agents before putting my hands anywhere near my face. Consider this. How many times have you gotten gas, gone into the store, and grabbed a snack. If you're anything like most people, you've done it often. So, you have your snack, you pay for your gas with your debit card and happily go back to your car. You then decide, while driving, to eat your snack. Sounds harmless yes? Wrong! There are so many things that you've touched that have disgusting amounts of germs on it. Firstly, the gas pump. Both the buttons and the nozzle are both filthy with every germ and bacteria you can imagine. Such viruses as Norovirus, survive freezing and extremely hot temperatures, so even in the middle of the winter, the gas pump is still crawling with disgusting little particles. Secondly, your snack. How many people have picked that exact item up only to decide on something else? More nasty germs on your hands. Thirdly, the debit machine. You could likely shiver in fear if you knew just how disgusting those machines are. Alright, so there are three things that are crawling with illness causing bacteria and now it is all over your hands. Now, for examples sake, you get into your car and proceed to sanitize your hands. Think you're in the clear? Not so much. These viruses stay on surfaces for up to two weeks! So, your hands are sanitized and you then take your debit card out of your pocket to replace it in your wallet or other card holding device. Your debit card, is a danger zone. It gets swiped through a machine that hundreds of cards are swiped through every day. And that cramped space never gets cleaned. So you are swiping your card through a germ infested machine. If you don't sanitize your debit card, then sanitizing your hands seems somewhat useless does it not?
Now, a lot of readers might think I am insane for putting that much thought into getting gas. But just take a moment and consider it. Am I wrong? How many of the people who have touched all those things decided to not wash their hands after using the bathroom. Or maybe they did wash their hands, only to turn the taps off with their freshly clean hands, only to contaminate them again. Just because you wash your hands after using the bathroom doesn't mean everyone does, especially children.
Getting ill is something that we have the ability to avoid, but humans are so disgusting in their habits that illness will always be a part of society. If everyone used the practices I do, there would be no such thing as pandemics, or even epidemics (excluding air borne illnesses of course). So, now you may wondering, what about all of this prevent me from functioning normally. Well, going out into public is a breeding zone for bacteria that cause illness. The reason is because I have no way of controlling other people and their hygienic practices. I consider it to be extremely un-nerving to know that people can be so germy and not even care.
So, how do I deal with this fear? As of late, I've been sticking to the safety of my home, more importantly, my room. I rarely interact with my room mates (excluding my fiance of course) because I have no way of knowing how sanitary they are. I have trained my fiance to be as sanitary as me. Also, my mother and step father have begun following in my clean footsteps. Obviously I am aware that I cannot live the rest of my life in the safety and comfort of my room. Therefore, I am currently seeing a psychologist once a week in hopes to cure my phobia. If it cannot be cured, I hope to at least be able to function with it. Learn some anxiety control and start really living my life. This phobia has completely crippled my life. I am beyond lucky to have such a wonderful fiance. He is about the only person who truly understands and supports me in this journey. Most people will just tell me to suck it up and tell me how I am using my phobia as an excuse not to work or be in school, when in reality, this is an illness in itself (ironically). I despise the term "mental illness", however, that is exactly what it is. I am sick, and I am taking all of the steps to get better. Ian (my fiance) is my rock and he supports me in everything I do. He completely understands how this effects me, even though he cannot fully understand why it affects me the way it does. My mother knows what I am going through, however, she cannot wrap her head around such a phobia, so her support in this is small, but it definitely helps.
What are my goals? I want to beat this thing. I want to go back to school, get my degree and get a job in my chosen career. I want to be able to go to concerts, movies and out for dinner. I want to be able to go on vacation. I want to be able to go out of the house without the constant strain of panic and anxiety. I know I can beat this and I will beat this.
My reason for writing this is because I think it is time to raise awareness about this crippling phobia that effects more people then you could ever imagine. This is a fear of something that is completely uncontrollable, that is what makes it so life changing. An extreme phobia of heights is controllable -- in the sense that one can simply avoid heights. One cannot ever completely avoid bacteria, viruses and germs.
I encourage anyone reading this who suffers from the same thing to step forward. Leave a comment and tell me your story. I invite any guest authors who wish to write their own story about their life with Emetophobia and I will feature those stories right here in this blog. I must put out a disclaimer. This is a very sensitive subject to hundreds of thousands of people, any negative or condescending comments shall be promptly deleted.
I truly thank you for reading this entry, it means a lot to me that you were interested enough to read through to the end.
-Drea
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