Have you ever?

A 90's pop singing sensation said it best.  Brandy's song "Have you ever" has always been a song I held close to my heart.  It says "have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry..."  I remember listening to that song over and over again.  I would bawl my eyes out while singing along.  Why was I crying?  I really felt I would never find anyone who I could love that much, or someone who would love me that much.  I've always had such a horrible self image.  I hated myself and the way I looked, being overweight made me feel this way.  All throughout school, every boy I ever crushed on, would just make fun of me.  At school dances, I was the lonely fat girl sitting at the back, hoping, and praying that a boy would finally ask me to dance.

I remember in 8th grade, I was at a school dance and this boy I had a complete crush on came over and asked me to dance.  I initially said no, because at that age, kids were so mean I figured it was just a joke and that once I said yes, he would walk away laughing.  After some persuading, I finally agreed.  I will never forget that night.  He danced with me for the entire song (which happened to be one of my favorites at the time, thank you Savage Garden).  That was it. That was the first and last time I was asked to dance.  Naturally, I felt as though I was toxic to all men.  Figured that no one would ever be able to love me.  

I went through the next few years of school before dropping out.  After I left high school I had no more self confidence as that night in junior high.  I won't bother writing about the years that followed as they have been clearly outlined in previous posts.  However, when I was 18 I met someone.  It didn't take long before I thought I was in love.  We moved in together and were together for 4 long years.  The entire time I was emotionally abused but I always made excuses for him and defended him when friends and family would tell me to leave.  Deep down I wanted to leave, but on the surface, all I could think of was that I would never find another boyfriend. When I was 21 I finally got the courage to leave. It was at that point that I started my university career.

As stated in my previous post, a week before starting my second year of university, I met Ian. I remember our first date. I looked at him for the first time and I instantly felt butterflies. I couldn't remember ever feeling this nervous. We went to a local pub for a drink and appetizers.  I was usually a pretty shy person (when meeting new people), but Ian was adorably shy and quiet.  I remember rambling on about whatever I could think of -- most of which was likely nonsense.  And he just sat there, listening and looking at me in the eyes.  He was such a trooper, listening to my ramblings.  I wanted the night to continue, but he had to work the next day, so around 11pm, we parted ways.

A few days later, we went on our second date.  He took me to the beach at midnight.  I had mentioned weeks earlier that I had never gone to the beach at night, but that I had thought it would be really nice.  We sat on the beach, looked at the stars.  I was rambling again (which I had to do because he was so quiet, and I hate silence, but his shyness was so cute).  We had an amazing night on the beach, but two hours later it started to rain, so again...we parted ways.  Only this time, it was different.  I wasn't even out of Charlottetown when I got a text from him that said "I haven't been able to stop smiling since you left."  I was in the same boat.  My entire drive back to Summerside, I was smiling, I couldn't help it.

Lets flash forward a little.  We are happily living together and I couldn't be happier.  No matter what negative things happen, I always have Ian to make me smile.  I always knew that no matter what happened, we'd have each other.  Ian has such an amazing soul.  He supports me in everything I do, He makes me feel beautiful, each and every day.  First thing in the morning, when I look my worst, I am still beautiful in his eyes, and he lets me know it.  He is my everything.  I truly have no idea what I did in this life or a past life to deserve him, but I am so happy he is in my life.  I am so much in love, a love I have never felt before.  

On June 18th 2011 (my 24th birthday) my dreams came true when he asked me to marry him and gave me the most gorgeous ring.  I had never felt such happiness.  We are still going strong and I love him more with each passing day.  We shockingly have never had a fight, and doubt we ever will as our communication is perfect.  He treats me like gold and makes sure to let me know how much I mean to him.  I cannot wait for the day that he becomes my husband.  Ian, if you are reading this, I love you.  More than words can explain.  You're my rock.  Don't ever change, you're perfect the way you are and I will always love you and every ounce of your being.

Now to the point of this post.  The point of this is to give some people some hope.  I am still overweight and I have found a man who loves me for me.  For years I really thought it would never happen.  I would spend nights crying because I knew I would never experience the love of a man, or have someone to cuddle with at night.  I used to become obsessed with any guy who showed the slightest bit of interest, because I figured it might be the best I could do and would never get another chance.  If you find yourself feeling that way, please know that someday, it will happen for you.  Not all men are shallow and inconsiderate.  There are genuinely amazing men out there who will love you for who you are, not what you look like. Love really is in the eye of the beholder. Hold your head high, show confidence, and don't be afraid to show your true colors. If someone hurts you, brush it off, because anyone who hurts you in any way, is not worth it.  I once heard a quote that changed my life (relationship wise).  It said "No man is ever worth your tears, and the one who is, will never make you cry"  That couldn't be more true.  Sure, I have cried because of Ian, but never for anything negative.  I have cried because I missed him, I have even cried when I think about how much I love him.  Of course, I cried when he proposed and I cried on Valentines Day when he gave me a meaningful gift.  But he is worth all those tears, and all of those tears, were tears of joy.  If a man makes you cry anything but tears of joy, he isn't worth it.  There is someone else out there who will cherish you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. 

-Drea