Wow, it has been far too long since I have made a post. In my defense I have been doing a lot of self-healing and been away from the computer most of the time. However, I am back and better than ever!
Today I am going to be talking about something that has tormented me my entire life. I know plenty of other people, both friends and family, who have struggled with it their entire lives. Luckily, I have gotten away from it -- YES, I am struggling, but in the end, it will be worth it.
So what am I talking about? Addiction? No. I am talking about pressure! For as long as I can remember I was faced with pressure from everyone around me to be a certain way, act a certain way, live a certain way. As a teenager and young(er) adult, I did tend to ignore this pressure and do what I wanted. Which is great!! However, I was missing one big piece of the puzzle, my own plan. Since I was 18 I have basically been living on my own. I worked in dead end jobs and couldn't pay my bills, but somehow, with the help of family, I survived. It was wonderful -- so I thought -- to be "on my own" and living according to my own "plan". That "plan" was to just live day by day doing whatever I needed to in order to barely make it through and spend the rest of my time doing whatever I wanted. At 18, that seemed so glamorous compared to living at home, with rules, curfews and nagging parents.
The biggest problem with the entire scenario, was that I had zero long term plans. I often talked about someday finishing school and getting a degree...talked about becoming a doctor or a nurse. Making myself believe I could actually do these things, when deep down, I knew I couldn't. Months would go by, and I would listen to my parents and friends lecture me about how my life is leading no where and I will be nothing more than what I currently was if I didn't do something. At the time, this went in one ear and out the other. I retained nothing -- why? -- because I didn't want to. To me, they were just preaching like they always had -- that IS what parents do afterall.
Flash forward to age 21. I am living in a basement, one bedroom apartment. It is in a constant state of disgusting. A massive mess at all times. I wasn't working, paying rent from EI, spending my days playing computer games and eating cans of beans because I had nothing else. I'd buy cigarettes before food, and buy game time instead of paying for my cable. My priorities were completely out of whack. Then, one day, something clicked! I have no idea what it was, but myself and Ashley decided we were going to take our GED exam -- without studying -- and hope for the best. We figured that if we at least had our GED, we would be able to make something....anything of ourselves. Thankfully, I passed...barely. I passed by one mark. I decided to ignore the advice of everyone around me and venture out into the world and try to land that "amazing job" I figured I deserved because I had my GED. I don't think I could have been more wrong. Instead, I started a job as a Marketing and Advertising Manager -- which seemed to be way to good to be true -- and I was right. After my first shift, I ended up being molested and it turned into a court case lasting all summer. That was my last straw. I made a conscience decision to not let this situation ruin my life (as it often can). I decided to completely forget the entire incident and move on with my life.
At that point I decided that I needed more education to make it anywhere in life. Also, I had finally decided I wanted to make it in this world, on my own. However, I also thought that if I a little more education, I'd nail the high paying job and live a life of happiness and luxury. Easy right? Not so much. I attended Holland College in order to upgrade some of my credits. As you have likely figured out, I dropped out of high school (3 times) and barely had a grade 9 education. Nevertheless, I took on high school academic credits. I initially had planned to get all of my credits in order to have a complete academic high school diploma. I found out that with a little effort, I was actually good at something -- which I never thought before. I realized that I had a huge passion for writing, and surprisingly, I was good at it. I completed my English, Canadian History, and Advanced Political Studies credits in 7 months. My final grade in all courses was not lower than a 92%.
I was ecstatic. I finally felt like I had accomplished something. I had an amazing support system. My instructor, Leanne, was amazing. She believed in me, and she saw the potential I had and she pushed me to do what she knew I could do. There were times that I felt she hated me and was being strict with me for that reason. After a while I realized that she saw talent in me, and she had to be hard on me so I would produce my best possible work. I have never corrected so many commas in my entire life! Needless to say, I tend to be a stickler for comma use now. After realizing that I wasn't a complete idiot, I decided to apply to the University of Prince Edward Island. I really and truly had no thoughts about actually getting in. Take a moment to consider the facts. I had completed only up to 9th grade, got my GED, and had a total of three grade 12 academic credits. The outlook was not good. However, I waited and waited and finally I got that wonderful letter. I got in! I instantly began to cry and ran upstairs to show my mother (who was waiting for me in the driveway). We both cried. All of this time, I thought those around me, preaching to me that I was smart and just needed to put my mind to it, were wrong. I truly thought I had the right idea of what the perfect life should be.
That simple letter gave me the push I needed. The following September I was ready to go! I moved into residence and started my university classes. I quickly discovered that I had a big love for the field of Psychology. First semester, I did really well. I got all but one credit, and got good marks in the other 4. This shocked me as I had such little education, but with the amazing professors, studying, and my passion allowed me to do well. Then, after 22 years of never consuming any of it, I discovered alcohol. I realized that I loved the party scene and Captain Morgan Rum even more. By the middle of second semester, I had barely attended any classes and was partying a minimum of 2 nights a week. Yet, I was loving it! As you have likely read in previous posts, I never had a lot of friends. I was never social, I had such low self esteem that I would just keep to myself. All of a sudden -- thanks to my brother -- I had friends, a lot of friends. Just like me, these friends enjoyed partying. The rest of the year is sort of a blur. It involved a lot of partying, and doing a whole lot of nothing. I passed one class second semester, by a hair. I moved back home for the summer and got a job which I loved. I had turned into this social butterfly and spent all my free time with friends. I worked my ass off, often 60 hours a week, but I loved my co-workers and the job itself. When I was not working, I was out with my new found best friend Jake in my car that I was so proud of!
It was one of the best summers of my life. Sure, Ashley wasn't there, but we had both been forced to move on friend wise as she was a world away. Nearing the end of the summer, I almost decided not to go back to UPEI. Again, I had found something I enjoyed and figured it would be like that forever if I kept at it. Thankfully, with some encouragement from some friends, I decided to go back. I didn't live in the dorm as I didn't want to be in the party scene any more. Literally, one week before school started, I met someone who completely knocked me off my feet, flat on my ass -- in a good way. I met Ian. From our first date, I knew there was something special about him. Just looking at him made me smile, made me feel safe, and made me feel beautiful. He was so quiet and shy, which I found intriguing, as I was now a very social person. I think he may have said 30 words our entire first date, but that was all it took. We went on a few more dates before making our relationship official.
Needless to say, I wanted to spend every free moment with him. He made me happier than I could ever remember being. We quickly fell completely in love and I put school on the back burner in order to surround myself with him. To some, this may seem like a silly move. At the time, I somewhat felt that way myself. I proceeded to drop out for year (with intentions of returning the following year). I was in this wonderful world of love, lust, and fun. He made me feel like a queen -- and still does. I got a job and we moved into a small motel room together.
This seemed like a quick move to most people. However, we became very close, very quick. We simply loved being around each other all the time. Leaving each other at night hurt so bad. He would leave my place in Summerside to go back to town and I would cry. When I went to his place, I would wait for him to fall asleep before sneaking out to head home, usually at 3am. It was a love like I had never felt before, and never thought I would ever feel.
Again, I had people around me preaching that I need to go back to school and finish my degree. At this point, I agreed and did go back. I went back part time and managed to get another 2 credits. And that was it. I decided that school just wasn't for me at this time because I needed to work in order to help us live. To pay my share of rent and other bills I needed a full time job as student loans just didn't cover it. Many thought this was the wrong choice, and honestly, so did I. After some time I began writing on my own time. I had a password protected "diary" online that I would write in. It was then that I realized that I did love Psychology, but I didn't have the passion for it as I did with writing. So, a year later, I entered Holland College as a Journalism student. I loved it! I was so excited to put my passion to work for me. I did extremely well and my teacher even told me that I had a huge amount of natural journalistic talent and that he was amazed at my writing ability. This made me so happy. It was the first time I felt 100% validated. I now knew that I did have a natural ability and that following my passion was the right choice.
Unfortunately, student loan issues and medical problems forced me to yet again, leave school. However, I can promise the world that I will be back in September. During my short time in Journalism school, I managed to get some very high profile interviews, including Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy. I quickly realized that not only was I a good writer, I had the "balls" (excuse my expression) to do what I needed to do, to get the story I wanted to get.
My future plans is to finish J-School with a diploma from Holland College and a degree from UPEI. However, I am hoping to get into show business. No, not as an actress or a singer. As a reporter or publicist. This dream will become a reality.
As seen in previous posts, I am currently going through some tough stuff. However, Ian is by my side, supporting me and helping me get well and we are making it through. I have been doing a lot better lately and it is all thanks to him (and my shrink hehe). I could write a novel on how much love I have for Ian and how amazing he is, but that is for another day.
This entry may seem all over the place, but the point is this: No matter what you preach to someone, it is not likely to work. Every person needs to figure themselves out...on their own. You can preach until you are blue in the face..."Get an education" "Be a doctor" "Do something with your life." It doesn't matter what way you say it, it is useless. One person may be completely happy working at a corner store, making $10 an hour, while others will not be happy until they have a million in the bank. The point is, happiness is what matters. If you are barely making it by, but you are genuinely happy in your situation, then keep on keepin on! If you aren't happy...do something about it. Stop moping, feeling bad for yourself. If I can do it, you can do it. I had a grade 9 education and now I am half way to being a university graduate. Nothing is impossible. Never do what you friends, parents, or spouse tells you should do. Do what YOU want to do. However, in saying that, you also need to ensure that you and your family are properly taken care of.
That is my story. I sincerely hope that it helps even one person to make a life choice that is right for them. As always, thank you for reading! <3
-Drea
