To begin this entry, I ask of you to read one of my first posts here. The entry can be found here. Throughout that post I "came clean" and posted a lengthy confession/explanation for a lot of things. At the time, I was extremely frustrated with my friends and family turning their backs on me, however, I was more frustrated with myself for expecting them to understand something they had no idea about. Not to mention, they had no idea that I was even suffering.
Now, I read that article but a few minutes ago and quickly realized an update is in order. Due to the ridiculous costs associated with a Psychologist, I only had three appointments with him, thus, not a lot of good was done. I continued to suffer for months. Fast forward, summer was great, fall was awesome, and here we are. Winter is here. The season that cripples me and my life.
I remember writing in my previous entry that I would beat this thing and begin living my life according to me, not according to my phobia. I am still a very hygiene conscience individual, however, I stand by my opinion that everyone should be that conscience about their hands, germs, and hygiene. However, my phobia is "at bay". I am finding myself completely fine attending basketball games with over 2000 in attendance, going for coffee with a friend who works in a nursing home, or even going to the grocery store. I am doing these things without a second thought -- alright, that isn't 100% true. I do give things a second thought, but they are little things. As an example, I now allow myself to touch the grocery cart handle with my BARE HANDS. This is a huge step for me. The second thought comes when I refuse to touch my face until my hands have been washed -- again, this is just good hygiene that will even protect you against the common cold, so take notes. Despite rushing home to wash my hands, or breaking out the sanitizer before I touch the rim of my coffee, the point is...I am out and about and having a great time.
I simply have to share this comment I received on my initial confession entry. This comment is what got me to where I am now. It gave me the confidence I needed to tell my mind to screw off and allowed me to regain (at least some) control of my thoughts and feelings, thus cutting down on my irrationality, panic attacks, and secluding myself. I would love to hear from this person again and see if they feel I have changed for the better. I consider myself to be near complete recovery -- I do, however, know and acknowledge the fact that I will never be cured of this phobia, but I can control it. I owe it all to this comment, which hurt me in many ways -- hurt me in the right ways.
This is going to be a different type of comment. I am Drea's best friend in the real world - and well, on the internet too! haha!
Anyways, here is a little tid-bit on what it's like to be friends with someone who has Emetophobia.
It's really hard not to take their illness seriously until you've heard their entire experience. You blame yourself for them not wanting to hang-out with you. They can make you feel bad about yourself and gross because you happen to work in a germ infested environment, and even though you keep yourself clean with good hygiene etc, you will never be "safe" enough for them.
Many plans that we have had had been cancelled do to her fear that I was carrying a virus on me and didn't know it yet. This being said, it very well could be true. I understand that, but it really is disheartening.
I really hope that there will someday be a way to cure this phobia because it really is holding so many people back from having fun and enjoying life, but not only that, makes their friends and family happy too.
I miss you Andrea, for what that's worth and I hope that with the therapy we will be able to hang out again.
You know who you are, and I thank you. I sincerely hope that you feel I have changed for the better. I know it has been great hanging out again and not cancelling for stupid (false) reasons.
-Drea
